Adventures in Geekdom!

As the company of my new friends and I, Jersey, entered the caves, all we could see was darkness. We had to leave Dun the dwarf outside the caves, because he was "incapacitated" and would be of no use to us anyway. Warner, the dragon born, stayed with Dun to keep him safe while he recovered. We managed to create some light sources with Tim, the wizards, wand, and some flares that Darius, the gnome, had in his pack. I was filled with apprehension. After all, I am just a human ranger, who hunts game with a bow and arrow. Up until today, I didn't even know these caves were here, and I wouldn't have explored them even if I did. The game I hunt doesn't like dark, confined spaces with no light. Lately, game has been scarce in this area. So I have joined this group to see if they can help me figure out why this might be happening. Plus they seem to know quite a bit about magic, and this interests me greatly. There is one other member of our company. The man-servant of Darius, Clifton. He is a particularly sharp dressed man, very tall and thin. I am not sure what to make of either Darius or Clifton. They seem suspicious at best, and only out for their best interest at worst.

I am not accustomed to danger, but these caves seem rife with just that: danger. The four of us walk into the caves, and immediately come across a flight of stairs. As the light reaches the walls, we see and hear the scurrying of all manner of creatures. They seem to be reacting to the light sources we have with us. When we get to the top of the stairs, I can sense another presence, but I can't tell if it has ill will towards us or not. I tell the company, "There is something in this room besides us". It is just after I say this that Tim yells "Duck!" and then disappears. The next thing I know, I am hearing a crash, and what appears to be a huge piece of statue has obstructed the doorway into the next room. My heart starts to race, and I begin to panic. Clifton begins to push on the piece of statue, so I decide that this is the best action I can take and I decide to help.

"Crystal, roll a D-20. It's time for initiative." Jerry says this with a smile on his face. Any good D&D gaming session will always have an initiative at some point in the session. Jerry started running his campaign again 2 or so weeks ago, and I, Crystal, have been privileged enough to join it. I guess the guys love having a girl around, so it's really a win win situation. When I say that Jerry is running his campaign, I mean he is the DM, or Dungeon Master. He basically has built up a story of how he wants the game to go, and we as the characters work within the parameters he sets up. So the game is sorta flexibly rigid. What I just described above is how I envisioned the beginning of one of these encounters the other players and I had with a couple of "trolls" inside this cave. In reality, this was all happening inside our heads, and we were just saying to the DM what we wanted our characters to do, and then we would roll dice to see how successful we were in our actions.

Let me just say, for any of you who might think Dungeons and Dragons (for that is what I have been playing) is evil, it only is if you let it go evil places. It's just like anything in life. A car might kill you, if you drive it dangerously. You could get into all kinds of trouble on the internet. But these things are also very useful tools. There is nothing innately wrong with D&D, just like nothing is wrong with a car or the internet. It just depends on how you use it. Having said all this, let me just say I am having a great time being a geek with a bunch of like minded guys. It's too bad we can't get more girls interested in this sort of thing. To each their own I guess though. Well, I have no spiritual insight for you in this post. I just wanted to share with you all a piece of my world that I have been involved in for the past several months. I also play other D&D related games such as Where-Wolf. It pretty much follows the same pattern. You just gotta use your imagination. I think these types of games are a great way to exercise the brain. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Giving of Thanks

It seems only fitting on a day called Thanksgiving to devote a post to the giving of thanks. So I am going to do just that. What I am thankful for most in my life right now is my support system. This includes, but is not limited to, friends, family, counselors, staff, psychiatrists, and everyone else who has kept me safe. I suppose this would also include God, because without Him, I am completely lost. I am grateful to be on the Peer Council, and to be part of something that is giving back to others, even if we just keep giving back to ourselves. After all, we are peers too, first and foremost. I am grateful for a program called Friendship House that has done so much for me, and in a lot of ways, helped me get as far along in my recovery as I am today.

I am thankful just to be alive. I know there are many times when this life might have ended, and perhaps there are times when it almost ended that I don't know about. Suffice it to say, I am grateful for every breath I take and every moment I get to enjoy on this planet. I am thankful for all the pain I have experienced in my life. This may seem like an odd thing to be thankful for, but all my experiences have made me the person I am today, so I must be thankful for the pain as well. It is the fastest teacher I will ever know. I am thankful to have found a church that I can call my church family in Harvest Christian Fellowship. I have never felt this way about any church, and it is refreshing to have finally found it.

And back to you, dear friends. I am most thankful for all of you. You keep me grounded, and sane. I know I can rely on my true friends for a kind word, or a hug, or jut a listening ear.  I hope we all stay friends for life. Let's continue to walk's life path together, and take whatever life throws at us in stride. I love all you guys and girls so much! Have a happy Thanksgiving! Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Daughter of the King

This post's topic is a special request by a dear friend of mine, so I am going to address it now. He wanted me to talk about what it means to me to be the daughter of God. So since God is King of everything, I have titled this post "Daughter of the King". So if God is the King, and I am His daughter, I guess that would mean I am a princess, and not in a snooty way, but in a royalty sort of way.

If you haven't noticed from my blog yet, I will just tell you. I have felt a special connection to God since I gave Jesus my heart when I was only 4. Maybe I have already mentioned that, but it is worth repeating. Ever since then, I knew I was God's little princess, or His valued treasure. As such, He has been very protective of me, not wanting His treasure to be tarnished. This doesn't mean He ever took away my free will or power to choose my own way. I know this is not the case for everyone, but it seems that I don't get away with any sin that I might try to commit. I am differentiating between mistakes and sins here. Whats the difference? Well, to me, a sin is more about intent and purposefully doing something to hurt someone else or yourself. Mistakes are just the bumbling things we humans do as we go through this life. For example, a sin is flat out looking your mother in the face and telling her you didn't break the lamp, when you really did. A mistake is not studying hard enough for a test and then failing it miserably.

 I have done my fair share of sins and mistakes. So what do I mean when I say that God doesn't let me get away with sins? I mean that He usually lets me get caught in the act of the sin, or that the consequences to my sin are so severe, it makes me think twice before I ever would consider doing it again. To me, instead of this being a sign that God has a big stick and is after me all the time, ready to pounce on me anytime I sin, this shows me that God loves me immensely. I would say that the biggest road block God has placed in my life to truly committing a "big" sin (although I do not believe in rating sins) is my own conscience. I see things so much in black and white, right and wrong, that it's hard for me to live in any grey areas and to think that things could be any other way.

Another protection God has placed in my life is my family and my Evangelical Christian upbringing. I have learned more about the Bible from my father than from any one pastor or church. For that, I will always be grateful. And my mother is the person who led me to the Lord when I was only 4. She prayed the "sinner's" prayer with me, and I knew from that point on I was "born again". For those of you who don't know what this terminology means, I guess I will have to write a post about it some day. Suffice it to say that this means I know Jesus is by my side every day, interested in every aspect of my life, and He will never leave me.

So now that I have told you how God has been protecting me, I guess I should get back on topic. I believe I was mentioning this special connection I have to God. I can usually tell how He feels about me at any given moment if I concentrate hard enough. For example, He is usually smiling at me. There have been times when I lost that connected feeling, and all I felt was guilt. Guilt about my thought life, guilt about things I wanted to do, just guilt in general. But I now know that God wasn't placing that guilt on me. I was getting that from either other people's perceptions of me, or just my own twisted perception of myself. In God's eyes, I am whole and complete in Jesus, and I don't need to do anything else but just be. There is such freedom in this. Now I want to serve my King, not because I have to earn my way into heaven, but because its a joy to serve the one who saved me and loves me unconditionally.

Overall, being the daughter of the King is a joyous experience. And its like being in my true home wherever I go. God knows I have tried to rebel and walk away from Him many many times. But He keeps lovingly bringing me back to Himself. I don't even get one foot outside the fence before he wraps the crook of His staff around me and tenderly draws me back to Himself. I believe that once He wins you over, He never lets you go, no matter how hard you may rebel against Him. I know my heart just in this past year has been dead set on leaving God. And within a matter of weeks, if not days, God softened my heart and just had me falling in love with Him all over again. I can't even begin to describe what that is like. I can try though. It's like a warm blanket you never want to leave on a rainy day. It's like you just know that in God's arms, its the only place you will ever be truly safe and at home.

There may come a time when my heart rebels against God again. It is my nature to do this. But at the very depths of my soul, God and I are so connected, we can never truly be separated. I am confident now that I need not do anything else except bask in God's presence to be accepted by Him and to go to heaven some day. I know being with God has always been my true destiny, and God wants that even more than I do, so it's going to happen. And to be with God, I know, will fulfill the deepest longings of my heart in the here and now, as well as some day in the future, as long as I keep looking to God for my source of hope. I hope this post ministers to you all. Because the truth is, God, and spirituality, these are the single most important things in my life. They take precedent over any other relationship, or any other issue. My whole life has been about God and church. True hope is found in God. I hope you all find this true hope and peace some day. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Understanding Air Hose

There is a concept in Emmerson Eggrich's Love and Respect that talks about women having a "Love" hose, and men having a "Respect" hose. The theory goes like this. Women need love like they need air to breath. And men need respect like they need air to breath. So imagine, if you will, that we all have a hose in our hands, and it hooks up to a tank that is titled either "love" if we are a woman, or "respect" if we are a man. What would happen if an elephant were to come in and stand on the woman's "love" air hose? What do you think she would do? She is going to get an Uzi out and shoot that elephant, or get a crane, anything just to get that monstrosity off of her love air hose. What do you think is going to happen if a beautiful gazelle happens to sit on the man's respect air hose? He is going to shove that gazelle right off of his hose, anything so he can breath again. And here is the fundamental problem with male/female relationships. We are all sitting on each others hoses, and we spend most of our time trying to get each other off of our hoses. And I have just summed up why it is so difficult for men and women to stay married or even be just friends.

But I believe I have stumbled upon a whole new level of need, and a whole new dimension to the love and respect thing. I believe there is an air hose that combines both love and respect and its called "understanding". It is the air hose that I primarily focus on these days. It's why Jerry and I gravitated towards each other. Cause when we both needed understanding the most, we mutually gave it to each other in spades. It's why we have a relationship now that is so interconnected, it would be difficult to separate ourselves from each others lives without hurting each other. I am sure it could be done, because we are not leeches. But now, like it or not, Jerry carries a piece of me with himself, and I carry a piece of Jerry with myself. But that's not really the point of this post.

So what is this understanding air hose all about? Good question. Like I said, I think it combines love and respect and gives the recipient both at the same time. I know being someone who suffers from mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder, I long, even need understanding more than anything else. Right now, I am getting the most understanding from Jerry. So I like to spend a lot of time with Jerry, cause we as humans are always looking to satisfy our deepest needs. But I will never stop looking for understanding from other places. I find it in bits and pieces, here and there. But when someone flat out refuses to understand me, or even try 1%, I am sorry, but I may have to do something I said I would never do, and that is cut that person out of my life. That doesn't mean they can never come back into my life. But remember that elephant that sat on the woman's love air hose? When someone doesn't understand me, or is just being ignorant and stupid, I become this person I don't like. So I have asked myself why I become this person I don't want to be. It's because I am trying to get the un-understanding buffoon off of my understanding air hose. I want to breath again, and if they are just going to stand or sit on my understanding air hose, you better believe I am going to shove them off.

I know this post isn't very uplifting. But this is becoming a pet peeve of mine. I think it is why I keep blogging so much. I am trying to be understood, by whoever might read this. I know we have physical needs that take over emotional needs, but right now, my physical needs are being met. My emotional needs are practically starving. It's a good thing Jerry is mutually getting from me what I get from him, otherwise our relationship would feel lopsided. I hope we all continue talking to each other and never stop trying to reach new levels of understanding of each other, ourselves, our world, and God. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

The Broken Girl

I am the Broken Girl. I am going to put a song up here now, and I want you to pay very close attention to the lyrics. As the song goes on, I will insert comments, and I will have some final comments at the end. You can assume away about what it is talking about. I will only give you some clues about what it means to me. I would say enjoy, but it is a tear jerker of a song. First time I heard it, I cried. Here we go.

Look what he's done to you
It isn't fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn't care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast


- Ok, every time you see a dash, its me, Crystal talking again. I am going to take this whole stanza head on. Just in case you can't figure it out, this is talking about a man abusing a little girl, whatever that means to you. And it could mean all manner of abuse. The result is she grows up too fast. This is the story of my life, folks. I am the Broken Girl. -

Now words like "innocence"
Don't mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can't sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

- When a girl, or any child is a abused, it wrecks their view of the world. They are no longer "innocent" little children, and in a real sense they are shackled to their past, with images of things they don't want to remember always flashing through their minds. I am the Broken Girl -


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl

- Now this is the chorus. So now you see why I picked this song to share with all of you. This song is for me. The world, in a real sense had pushed me aside and was cold and cruel. It made me feel like I had no value and was worthless. But the world, or anyone, can't steal the love of God away. And in the end, I don't have to stay the broken girl. Yet, still, I am the Broken Girl. -


Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight

- For the longest time, when I saw myself in the mirror, all I saw was ugliness and someone who had nothing to offer. When I began to see myself through God's eyes, I saw how beautiful I am to Him. So you see, I may say I am conceited, but its really not that at all. It's really knowing how God sees me. I am the Broken Girl -


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl

- This is just the chorus again, and I already talked about this. I am the Broken Girl. -


Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again

- I believe I am a shattered mess right now. But I believe God has already healed huge pieces of myself, and is in the process of putting this broken girl back together again. It may take into eternity to accomplish this. But I am willing to go through the process. And God is the master craftsman. He can make anything broken healed and beautiful once again. I am the Broken Girl. -


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl 

- Again, this is just the chorus.  I am the Broken Girl -

Ok, so the song is over now. Why do I keep repeating that I am the broken girl? I need you all to understand that everything else, my whole life played out from a place of complete and utter brokenness. If God has used my life for anything up to this point, it is show others how they can, in the midst of great adversity and pain and  trial, always get back up on their feet and try to make things better again. I will never give up trying to improve myself. My life started out terrible and hard and tragic. But I don't have to finish that way. I can be all that God wants me to be, and so can you. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Status Update

I may do 2 posts today, seeing as I have 2 topics I want to address. But I will just start with this one. I have told you all a lot about the trials I have faced in my life. I think it's time to tell you what is going good in my life. After all, if I truly want to remove  the stigma of mental illness, I have to tell all of you why we aren't crazy all the time, right? Here is the very real truth about mental illness: We are just like everyone else, we just have this struggle called mental illness that makes life very challenging to navigate sometimes. We deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and not be laughed at when someone makes a "crazy" joke. It's not funny people, and it burns me up when people think it is. The other thing you should know about the mentally ill is that not only can they recover, they can do it famously and even succeed beyond some "normal" people. If I may use Jerry as a shining example of this, I will. Sure he is still on disability, but he is out there doing his own business of juggling and he does fabulously well at it. Do you know how hard it is to juggle? Yeah, try it and then maybe you will know. I have tried it. I can barely juggle 2 balls. I have such respect for the art of juggling. Jerry makes it look effortless. All this is to say that the mentally ill can not only succeed, but exceed your expectations.

So what is going good for me? When I first got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, its like I told all of you. My friends pretty much abandoned me. And I isolated from  the ones who didn't. Sure I still went to church and made appearances once in awhile, but over all, I was a recluse. I didn't want people getting to know weird "manic" Crystal or depressed Crystal. I missed my normal self and thats the only person I wanted anyone to see. It has been freeing for me to realize that "normal" Crystal is never coming back, and that I have had to get used to this new Crystal. So now what is awesome in my life is that I have many friends. And I am realizing that I have a knack for making new friends. On top of  that, I am being pretty open about my mental illness and its not scaring them away. This whole honesty thing is really working for me, so I am going to keep doing it. I think God is honoring it. It's why I am being so open with all of you in my blog. You may believe that I am being too open, but I am going to keep putting this stuff out there until the day stigma disappears. And I will probably keep doing it after that.

What else is good in my life? I am talking again, and talking a lot. This is no small thing. For a good period of time, I wouldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I could barely hold my end of the conversation, much less think of interesting things to discuss. It didn't mean I wasn't thinking, cause I was always doing that. It just meant either I didn't know how to verbalize something or I didn't want to talk about anything. This problem still boils down to me not really wanting people to get to know me as I was. But now that I know this new Crystal is here to stay, and that there is no going back to the old Crystal, I figure I might as well enjoy it and figure out who new Crystal is. It's kinda exciting.

I have recently moved in July from a group home in Sterling to a townhouse in Ashburn. It's still under Loudoun County Mental Health, so I still have to see one of their psychiatrists and go to the day program, Friendship House, but the townhouse program is a lot less restrictive, and it suits me just fine. I don't mind Friendship House anymore. In fact, its one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Many of my friends go to Friendship House, and it has opened the door to many opportunities. For all I know, I would still be living with my parents if it wasn't for Friendship House.

I now have a car. I also got that at the beginning of July. It's main purpose is to help me get to school. But it serves as a great tool to get me to social outlets as well. And it will help me in my job, when I get that up and running. I don't know what I did without a car for so long, now that I drive it every day. It truly is a blessing and a privilege to have a car, and I don't take it lightly.

I am going to be a consultant for this company called Thirty-One pretty soon, probably within the next week or so. They sell bags and purses, and some accessories. The outlet they use to do this is through parties, which is right up my ally. I think I am going to love getting in front of people and selling this product, cause I believe in it so much. Performing Arts at Friendship House has really helped me with my stage fright and now its a lot easier for me to do anything in front of people.

I just joined what is called the Garage Band, and like the name implies, they meet in a garage. It's an offshoot of Friendship House, and is mostly about therapy, but we do perform at different venues, mostly that have to do with mental health such as conferences and outreaches. If you know of any good venues for us to perform at, we would love to look into them. Please contact me at: snoefox3@yahoo.com. I love being in this band, and I have only been to 2 practices. I can't wait to keep practicing so I can do a killer performance in front of a bunch of strangers. I look forward to wherever this may lead me.

And probably the biggest thing going on my life right now is that I am finishing up school. If all goes well, which it almost didn't this year due to the mania, I am set to graduate in December. There is talk of there being a huge party for me. Well I may have a smaller party at my house, but it would be nice if someone threw the party for me instead of me doing all the work. And after school is over, I am looking into getting an internship at some company in the accounting field, and then working my way into a company that way. I haven't worked in over 5 years, so I need to build my resume up again I think before anyone will feel good about hiring me. I have come a long way, but I doubt I can convince anyone of that without a track record.

So you see, I may not look like a superstar, but I am doing my best to make something of myself. I believe that recovery is a process we all go through during our lives. We are all in recovery from something, cause life is hard. You don't have to have a mental illness to be in recovery. Have you ever lost someone or something? You are in recovery. Has anyone ever hurt you, or have you ever hurt someone? You are in recovery. The sooner you accept this, the better your life will be. Thank you all for reading this post again. Have a pleasant day. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Birthday Bash

This years birthday for me was the best I ever had, for multiple reasons. For those of you who don't know, my birthday falls on October 21st. So I just turned 33 about 3 weeks ago, today. So why was this birthday so special for me? For one thing, I just had to show up and do what I do best, and that is entertain people. I am in my element when I am hosting parties. I don't know what it is, but there is something about the music, and the conversation, and people mingling that gets me excited, and I just get into the groove. My friends wouldn't let me contribute anything food wise to the party, so instead what I contributed was a little bit of entertainment. I sang 2 songs. I am finding that I love to sing in front of people and entertain them.

But the main entertainment for my party was Jerry. That's what he does best. He just loves to be in front of people and entertain them. He was the DJ, MC, and he put on a juggling show. And he had fun doing it. So even though he was technically working, he loves what he does, so it feels like play to him. For all this entertainment package, I bought Jerry a nice Olive Garden dinner. Just saying, if you are friends with Jerry, he will put a show on for you, and it will be awesome. The cost is a dinner or lunch or some free meal for him though.

Well, as spectacular as Jerry's show was, and as fun as it was for me to entertain everyone with my singing and be embarrassed by opening presents in front of everyone, that wasn't my favorite part of my party. The best part of the party was when everyone went around the room, introduced themselves and said at least one thing they liked or loved about me. It's what I asked for, and really the only thing I wanted for my birthday.  I was truly touched by what everyone had to share, and intrigued by what everyone said they saw in me. Then I got to go around the room and tell everyone how I felt about them, and what I thought was awesome about them. I think that was the best party favor I could have given them, and it didn't cost anything but time and thought. That's the main reason this was the best birthday ever.

Wouldn't it be awesome if on a regular basis we told each other what nice things we saw in each other? What if we built each other up instead of tearing each other down? We could all be a kind word away from ending a feud, or we could be a breath away from giving or receiving forgiveness. I am convinced that words are powerful and  they can be used to heal or destroy. If you love someone, you should tell them, even if you know they don't love you. You never know when your last day, or someone else's last day on this planet is going to be. Give someone a hug today. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Joan of Arc

I have been told I am like Joan of Arc. I have another friend that told me she was equated to Joan of Arc too. Well, my dear, and you know who you are, that just shows how much we think alike, and I think that is awesome. We are truly kindred spirits. It has taken me a long time to process what my dear friend meant went she called me a Joan of Arc persona. I am not going to give you very much of a history lesson. All I am going to say is that Joan of Arc was a woman who was fighting for the freedom of her people. Oh, and she heard voices and had visions....sounds a bit like mental illness? Maybe, maybe not. I didn't have mental illness back when my friend dubbed me a Joan of Arc type. So why did my friend see Joan of Arc in me? Because I honestly didn't even see it... but I am beginning to.

Joan of Arc fought for what she believed in to the point of being burned at the stake. She did it with swords and men and battles. She fought for freedom and justice. I am not fighting any wars. We have religious freedom in America. I don't need to tell any dictators to leave my people alone or let my people go. So what am I fighting for? And what have I been fighting for my whole life? I have always had a strong sense of truth and right and wrong. It isn't until recently I have allowed grey to enter my world as being a possible truth too. And the idea that you can "cross" the line and still be ok with God is something new I am entertaining too. But until this point, its been if you hurt someone, BOOM! Fire should rain on your head. So how am I fighting? Well, this blog certainly didn't start out this way, but I think its turning into somewhat of a fighting tool. What do I mean? I want freedom, mostly for myself, and then for all of you as well. I want it so much, that I keep putting myself out there for you guys to read about every day. I may never change the world through this blog. I may not ever convince you that I am right about anything I am saying. But if I can get even one of you, or just myself thinking in a new way, I have done what I came here to do.

Right now I think you all keep coming back to read this blog because its new, its somewhat shocking and its interesting. I say things you have been dying to hear like sex is not dirty, and purity is not as hard to achieve as you think it is. I tell you its easier to get to heaven then you think, and that God loves you more than you can imagine. And I share my own personal experiences. I am just being real folks, and telling you what I honestly believe. I know it doesn't always fit into any one religious package. Not all the Evangelicals are going to agree with me, and God knows I don't fit into any other religion. But I am not even fighting to promote Evangelical Christianity. I promote Jesus, God, and His truth. That's it. If what I understand about that truth doesn't fit into what I have been told it means, I am not going to tell you about it.

But the point of all this is, I want us all to be truly free. The Bible says that we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free. Free from what? Free from the binding effects of lies. Every time you believe a lie about something, it puts you in bondage. If you think, for example, that holding onto your anger is going to hurt the person who hurt you, you are sadly mistaken. It will only hurt you. If you think that you should never forgive someone because what they did is unforgivable, you can do that, but you will never know true freedom. That person will always have power over you. If you believe that your life should be all about fun and pleasure, and screw everything else, well the Bible says you are dead while you yet live. Yikes! I don't want to be a walking dead woman. I want to live life to the fullest.

These are just examples of some more topics I can talk about more in depth. I am full of topics, don't worry about that. Just if you ever get mad about something I have said, or it rubs you the wrong way, all I ask is that you resist the urge to get out your kindling and sticks of dynamite. I don't really want to get burned at the stake. I am not going to stop writing this blog, even if I knew there was a bonfire waiting for me at the end of it. That's highly unlikely since I can't be arrested for speaking my mind unless I threaten someone. I have the Freedom of Speech right here in the greatest country ever, America. So keep reading. I will keep making it interesting. I speak from the heart and what has been placed in my mind over the years. Oh, and one more thing I am fighting for. To remove the stigma of mental illness. The mentally ill are just like everyone else, their brains just misfire once in awhile. And they are not their mental illness, just like someone with diabetes is not their diabetes. It's just a problem they will have the rest of their lives. Well, that's my plug for that. Have a great day! Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Purity

Now I am going to talk about something near and dear to my heart. Of course, I don't write about anything that is not near and dear to my heart. But I named my entire blog after this topic, so now it's time to address it properly. What is purity? I know what context you are all thinking of this in... sexual purity. Ok, so lets go there first. I have already written a post about sex, so you know I am not afraid to go there.

What is sexual purity? Well, actually I want to pause this part of the topic and rewind a bit. I need to define purity, for my own peace of my mind, before I continue any further down this path. The Bible teaches (and no, I am not going to look the verses up) that to the pure in heart, all things are pure. But to those who are defiled in mind, nothing is pure. Why would it say that to the pure in heart, all things are pure? I think that's exactly what it means. It never enters the brain of a pure in heart person that something could defile their innocent minds. So hear me on this. Even when they make a sexual joke or make some innuendo, it's coming from a pure place, and they are just having fun. So laugh, cause its still good clean fun. You think I am joking? I'm not. Now, why does it say if you are defiled, nothing is pure? Again, I think that's exactly what it means. If your mind is full of filth, you can't imagine that a sexual joke could possibly be pure. So you may ascribe evil intentions to the person telling the joke or call them "dirty boy" or "dirty girl". But the person telling the joke didn't mean anything by it. If you take it the wrong way, that says more about you and your filthy mind than it does about the one telling the "inappropriate" joke.

What else could it mean to be pure? We talk about water being pure. That mean it doesn't have any impurities in it. Now that sounds redundant. But if you drop one micro-organism in a glass of water, the water is no longer pure. It is tainted. And you can't even see a micro-organism. That means you can be defiled without knowing you are. What does this mean for purity? It is very difficult to stay the pure in heart when you live in this impure world. How can it be done? I am developing a theory.

Purity of heart is a state of mind. That's my theory. So whether you are listening to someone tell a "naughty" joke, or you're watching a G rated movie, it's all the same to you. You are like a child, laughing at all of it. And who can blame you? Sex can be just as funny as Thumper saying "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Doesn't that just take the pressure off this whole staying pure thing? I thought you would like my train of thought here.

So now, sexual purity. What does that even mean? I am going to tread lightly here. I am not going to give you a line that you can't cross or you're a "bad" person. I am just going to say don't do what you aren't comfortable with. I can give you the Bible's standard which is basically no sex outside of a marriage covenant. I am not a preacher, so I am just going to say use your own judgement and be wise. But stay the pure in heart, if at all possible.

There are other aspects of purity. It's important to have purity of thought, purity of heart, purity of body. But they all seem to relate to sex for some reason. Please leave a comment if you disagree with me on this. You may be the one person out there who just doesn't think about sex. But I would say to you, you are probably an alien from a planet no one has ever heard of. Anyway, I will leave you with this thought. The Bible tells us to think on whatever things are pure, among other things. I think this is how we cleanse the micro-organisms out of the water of our minds and hearts, as it were. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Pursued

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. I have not been in the habit of quoting Scripture for you all in this blog, but I will quote this verse. This is probably the most well known verse in the Bible, and probably the most popular. But what does it mean? Well let me break it down for you, and see if we can disect it enough to get to the pure source of the meaning.

"For God so loved the world...." Stop here for a second. Let's think about this. What is the world? Is it just people? Is it just animals? Is it just plants and rocks? No, it's all of the above and so much more. It's life. Its a cup of coffee with a good friend. It's reading a good book snuggled under a blanket on a rainy day. It's life at its most pure and simple. That's what I believe God is saying that He loves here. Let's move on.

"that He gave His only begotten Son...." What the heck?! He loved the world that much? To give up what should have been considered His most prized possesion? Wow. Soak this knowledge in for just this moment. Do you realize what this means? You and I mean more to God than His own SON!!! What parent would ever give their child up for anyone or anything else? It's ludicrous. And yet God does it with a smile on His face. This is what I am beginning to understand about the gospel, folks. It's wildly absurd and wildly joyous. And Jesus went right along with it, cause He agreed with God that we, us humans, were of the utmost value to both God and Jesus. I digress. Next section.

"that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life." Ok, what are you supposed to believe here? I think, and you are free to disagree, but I think that we have to believe this verse means just what its saying. God loves us enough to send His Son Jesus to die for us to take away our sins. That's it. Just believe, and you will have everlasting life and you won't perish. But what does it mean to perish? Again, this is just a thought, but I think it means to pretty much just throw your life away and to have no meaning. So you can perish while you are still walking around on this planet. You don't have to die to do that.

And in a nutshell, I have just conveyed to you the true gospel. So what's with the title of this post being "Pursued"? Well, I have had a theory for some time that once you make that deal with God, once you make that commitment, and go all in, He takes you seriously as if you really meant it, and He holds you to your end of the bargain. He certainly isn't letting me just do whatever the hell I want.

See, if you are paying attention at all to my blog, you will have noticed that I was very angry with God. I even wrote a post about it. I was ready to wreak havoc on my life, not care a hoot about my reputation or the consequences, and be completely happy doing it. God has stopped me in my tracks. This tells me that He loves me too much to let me do it. Sure I could break loose and still do things, but he has kinda arm wrestled me to the ground long enough to give me pause. He is being very gentle but firm with me, reminding me that I belong to Him. He is bringing out the contractual agreement, showing me where I signed my life away to Him. He is jealous for me, and he is not going to sit by and let this slide.

Folks, I have never felt more loved by God than I do now. He has got me in a bear hug and He just isn't letting me go. It's not like He thought He was going to lose me. But he knew my heart for a moment was ready to turn away from him and run in the other direction. I would have been changed forever, and perhaps not for the good. He is the great pursuer of mankind. I am just one of the easier ones to catch because I already love God so much. I am open to His suggestions. What will you hear if you just open your heart a little bit to Him? He is coming after you, and He will find you, if you let Him. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Eating Disorders and Control

Control is an illusion. It doesn't exist. Never has, never will. Sure, you put your hands on the wheel of your vehicle and by turning the wheel this way and that, you can tell it whichever way you want it to go. But you have no real control of whether that car is going to keep running from one moment to the next. The same is true of your life. You don't know if in the next moment you are going to choke on a piece of lettuce, or if you are just going stop breathing for no reason at all. You can't control the beating of your own heart.

And yet that is exactly what an eating disorder is trying to achieve: control. Control of what? Control of one's self, of one's environment and control of other people. What do I mean? Well, controlling one's self is simple enough. I can seemingly control how much I digest into my system, or throw back up again, depending on which eating disorder we are talking about here. Controlling the environment and other people kinda go hand in hand. See, what most women secretly believe is that if they can just achieve the perfect look, then their lives will just fall into place. Doors will just magically open up to them. People will be kind, loving and respectful to the smart, sexy, lady. And if a woman looks put together, she will probably have more job opportunities. Probably the most important aspect of all this for me has been the hope of finding the perfect relationship. It is the holy grail of life for me, and why I still hold on to my personal eating disorder, so that I can bring it out in case I ever need it.

Yet, in our heart of hearts, we know this is a lie. Beauty does not equal opportunity, and it certainly does not bring happiness. No amount of control in my life is going to make someone love me. I find I get better results when I am just honest and genuine. People respond to an open hand, not a clenched, controlling fist.

So if we know that eating disorders are so bad for us and do not give us the results we want, why do we turn to them? Let me get personal and tell you why I did it, continue to do it, and will always hold that eating disorder card in my back pocket. I have always stated the obvious reason: control. But it's more nuanced than that. I speak of love being the holy grail for me. For me, I thought if I could just be the thinnest girl in any room, it meant I was the most desirable by men (not true), and that I would be the envy of all women (maybe true). Being beautiful meant, and still does mean, everything to me. I have just found a different way of defining what true beauty is so that it fits into my chaotic life. Now I focus on the inner beauty of my heart, and I find it shining out of my life till it comes out of me physically. Whether you are ready to hear this or not, I am a knock out gorgeous fox, and I mean that physically. I have a heart of gold, and that makes me the pure in heart and beautiful on the inside. But I have acheived my goal of being beautiful on the outside as well, and I have done it better than I ever imagined. I did it without even trying. And there in lies the key. But lets put the key down for a second. The simple fact is, even if no other guy sees me as beautiful (oh but they do) and even if no other woman but myself thought I was pretty, I would be happy. I am no longer trying to please anyone else but myself, and that is the key to all of this.

So I would like to end this post simply by saying that I know you women out there are hurting. And maybe even some of you men struggle with this too. You don't have to. I will struggle with this all the days of my life, cause its in my nature. But every time it gets hard, I just pick up my pretty key, and unlock the door into a world filled with the things I have filled it with. Your world will be different, but no less beautiful. Please don't let this thing called eating disorder destroy you. Remember, you gotta eat to live. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Why I love Twilight

Ok, so now I am getting REALLY controversial. Especially since I am coming at most topics from a Christian perspective, and the Twilight books are looked at as being anything but Christian. But before you, born again believing Christian that you are, judge this book, let me try to defend it, and tell you exactly what it means to me. You may at the end of this post think I am truly crazy, and that I have lost it. But this is about being honestly truthful and showing you my perspective. Take it or leave it, you can't deny or discredit my own experience.

Just to preface, I will tell you a little bit about the Twilight series. Bottom line, its about vampires and humans that shape shift into wolves. Sounds like your typical vampire story? It's anything but. There is the main plot of the story where one of the vampires, Edward, and a human girl, Bella, fall in love with each other. They are tortured by a dilema. How can they stay together when Edward wants to "eat" Bella all the time? They conclude by saying they are very foolish and stupid, even masochistic, but that they love each other and they are going to work things out. Then the rest of the story in the all 4 books plays out, based on this plot. There are dangers to be had, and life and limb is risked, just so they can stay together.

Now let me tell you why I was so touched by this story. In an emotional way, it reached me at the core of my being. Why? Because for all intents and puposes, Bella's character describes how I feel about just about everything. She wants to fight for the safety of her family. So do I. She wants to disappear and be invisible. So do I. She loves one man (even though he is a vampire) with all her might, and she gave everything to him. And the fear of losing him overpowered her. I have done this too. Bella and I have shared experience. The only real difference between her and myself is that she lives in a magical world full of vampires. We know that vampires don't exist. But all her emotions are the same as mine. And I believe that what is interpreted as her weakness, is actually where she has the most strength. Namely she loves with everything she has, till it looks like she has no power left. But that's exactly where she gets her power from.

You see, I lost the man I wanted more than anything in the world. Thats where Bella's and my world part. Her story, I would like to think, is what my life could have been if the man, Bill, would have come back to me. So my story is what Bella's might have looked like if she had been truly given the opportunity to live without Edward. Yes, there was a big hole in her chest, so to speak, when Edward told her he didn't want her in his life. But she may have learned with time to love someone else, and to find perhaps an even deeper love and joy than she could have imagined.

This is a very current topic with me, since I just realized yesterday that I am still very much in love with Bill, and probably doomed to be for the rest of my life. You see, by a random chance, or what I like to call a terrible God moment, I saw Bill for the first time in many years. It was just a glance. That's all it took. And the flood gates opened, and I was back to being very much in love with him. Yes, all it took was a glance. But this time, my life isn't going to fall apart. Why? because I have friends who accept me as I am, and I can talk to them about anything. So I will, for the first time, let others support me through this trying time I am going through.

Back to Twilight though. What else I like about the story is that it is very much about good vs. evil. Not just external evil, but internal as well. You see, it is true that vampires are killers by nature. But the Cullen clan doesn't feed off of humans. They restrain their thirst, and drink the blood of animals instead. They fight the very natural but evil tendencies that they have to kill humans, and they become better because of it. This,  to me, is the ultimate good and evil fight. We all have evil desires in our hearts. We are not basically good. We are sinners, and we do the wrong thing. Sure, some of us are better than others, and the evil in our hearts doesn't come out that much. But we all have great potential to do bad things.

So those are my thoughts on this Twilight book series. You may think I have just gone off the deep end with all of this. After all, isn't it just a book? My church has said that reading these books is a bad thing, and to stay away from them. But the fact is, I learned more about myself by reading Twilight then years of going to church. Am I being sacreligious? Am I being heretical? I don't think so. I am just being honest. God will speak to you in whatever way He has to to touch your heart. If he has to do it through a book other than the Bible, cause you just aren't reading it anymore, then He will. If he needs to speak to you through a movie cause thats all you do is watch movies, then He will. The point is, God has no limitations in the ways He will reach out to you. So I guess I started this post by talking about vampires, but I will end it by telling you that God loves you. He loved me enough to inspire Stephenie Meyer, the author of the Twilight books, to write a story that God knew would touch me in such a powerful way. I am not really advocating looking for God in anything other than the Bible and at church. What I am saying is let God meet you exactly where you are. Seek Him with every fiber of your being, and He will reveal Himself to you in ways you can't imagine. He will break down your defenses to get to you, and that's the truth. Just let Him in. Thank you for bearing with me on this post. These are just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

The List

We all have one. It's a list of what the perfect guy or girl should be like that we want to meet and marry some day. It might consist of something like: 1) Can make me laugh 2.) Has similar beliefs as me 3.) Is kind 4.) Likes to play games. I'm sure your list will be different then, say, my list, but you get the general idea. At what point, though, do we budge on the list, and accept the person for who they are, even if they don't meet all our "requirements"? Well, first of all, you and I are never going to find that perfect person, cause they don't exist.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards. I happen to have very high standards. But over time, I have realized that I just can't fit someone in my "perfect" box and expect them to be themselves. They would be trying too hard to please me, and things just wouldn't flow like they are supposed to in a relationship. So although I hold out hope for finding the perfect guy for me some day, I know he is going to be just a man. So what should I do with my list in the event that I find the guy I have always been looking for? Do I throw it away? Well, in some cases that might be the best option. But more likely, it would be best to decide what you must have in this person and what is negotiable.

For example, you may have a requirement that says he, or she, must be faithful to me at all cost, and they can't cheat ever. Thats a good thing to need. You may want to keep that on the list and not budge on it. But if another item on your list is, they must be a certain height or weight, you may want to reconsider this. Because, eventually, we all lose our looks. And what your left with is the inside of the person. And that is more priceless than gold.

I don't have much else to say on this, other than lets accept each other for who we really are, and choose our friends wisely. For those who you associate with is what you become. Its just the power of influence others have on us. Also, if you want to meet the right person, you gotta be the right person. That doesn't mean you have to become proficient in all home-making tasks. It just means you need to work on your attitude towards things and people. It may be the physical that initially attracts us to someone, but it is the spirit of the person that is going to keep us with them. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Favorite Things

Ok, so this blog is about me and my thoughts. So allow me to be a little self-indulgent, and assume that you might actually want to hear about me. So I am going to attempt to make a list of my favorite things.

My favorite animal is the fox, but I think I mentioned that already. My favorite bird is the peacock. I think they are majestic and just beautiful. My favorite flower is the daffodil, followed by a close second of hydrangeas, all the colors. My favorite state is Hawaii. My favorite state of mind is Peace. My favorite character in the Bible is Joseph, aside from Jesus of course. My favorite book in the Bible is Romans. My favorite verse in the Bible is Psalm 37:4.... I guess you will just have to look it up. My favorite color is violet, followed closely by pink.

If I had to move to a different state of my choice, I think I would choose Oregon. The pet I would love to have the most is a dog, followed closely by a cat. Cat's are easier to maintain though. My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings. And that is also my favorite book. My favorite singer right now is Madilyn Bailey. Never heard of her? Look her up on youtube! If I had to choose between the mountains and the beach, I would choose the beach. My favorite sport is volleyball. But if I could only choose one form of exercise, it would be swimming. I love reddish brown hair, and if I ever change my hair color, thats probably what I will change it to. My favorite toy as a kid was My Little Pony, and I still have a few today. My favorite activity is having parties. My favorite thing to do in my free time is listen to music. If I had a super power, I think I would choose flying. My favorite word right now is Classy. My favorite number is 4.

My favorite fairy tale is The Little Mermaid, followed by a close second of Beauty and the Beast. My favorite television show right now is Once Upon a Time. I love my eggs over easy. And my favorite breakfast food is crepes with sour cream and strawberries. My favorite smell is sweet pea. I love hugs and kisses. My favorite kind of chocolate is Dove. Well, I think thats enough favorites for now. I will try to think of some more in the future. Thanks for reading though! Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal =)

by: Crystal Nylander

Servant's Heart

What does it mean to have a servant's heart? Does it mean that you let others use you in whatever manner they please? Well, I think what I have stumbled on in this area may surprise you. Jesus told us in the Bible that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. But He didn't stop there. He told us that in order to find your life, you have to lose it. And that if you want to be greatest in the Kingdom of God, you have to be the least. I think Jesus knew something that many of us find counter-intuitive. You won't find true happiness and contentment until you stop focusing on yourself, and start focusing on another person, or persons, as the case may be.

I still have yet to truly find my "purpose" in life, and the one cause that I can devote my life to. I remain optimistic that God will reveal this to me when the time comes. In the mean time, I think the best thing I can do for myself is to just befriend those God has put in my path, and show them that they are truly one of a kind, and loved deeply by their Creator. So in a strange sense, when I am serving my fellow mankind, I am actually serving myself, and God. It's all backwards, but trust me, for some reason, I get the biggest kick out of seeing other people happy. And if I have been part of that happiness for people, I feel my heart swell with joy, and I am incredibly content.

I'm not saying I have this down to a science. And I definitely screw up in this area so many times a day that its embarrassing. I'm not a saint. But I do think, from time to time, I do get it right. The Church is equated to a body, and is called the body of Christ. What does this have to do with anything? Well, what may be my calling may not be yours. The body has many different functioning parts and they all need to do their different tasks. So whereas, I may be more hands on, you may be more in the shadows, doing things that no one will ever see, but that benefit reaches far and wide. Or you could be up front and center, where everyone can see you, doing great things that way. I just hope and pray we will all start on this quest to find where our place in the body is, and to be the best part of that body we can be. That's truly being a servant at heart. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal =)

by: Crystal Nylander

Power Play

Who ultimately holds the power in a relationship to determine which direction it is going to go, and how soon it's going to get there? Well, the theory goes something like this: it's the person who cares less that holds all the keys, and the other person, who is holding the locks, is hoping and praying that this person with all the power will give them at least one key to work with. Perhaps this is true, but I find this rather selfish. It's toying with people's emotions, and that is just not right. The result is something like this: the one tripping on all the power probably gets a kick out of being in control. And the person with the least amount of power is left out in the cold, feeling insecure and maybe even desperate.

I was told recently that there is always someone who cares less in a relationship. But what if it were possible that both parties cared about each other equally the same? Being an accounting major, I am always looking for ways to balance the equation, for both sides to be equal to each other. Naturally, being told that something is impossible never stopped me from looking for ways it might become possible. Just because it may not have been done before, it doesn't mean its impossible. So I reject this idea that someone always cares less.

For example, what if I wanted to take things super slow in a relationship? And let's say that on the surface, for all intents and purposes, it looked like I had the most power, cause it appeared that I cared less. But the other person wants to take things at the speed of light. Well, I may be an anomily, but I see myself as having only 3 options at this point. I can exert my power and put the brakes on and make this person bow, in a manner of speaking, to my will. Or, I can try to reason with this person, and reach a compromise, where we are going neither fast nor slow. Or I can lay down my will all together, and defer to this person's will. What would be ideal, is after having deferred to this person, they would then want to defer to me a little bit. I don't really know how all this would play out. I still think its possible for each party to care about the other party equally the same. In all of this shifting of power, we must remember that Love is not primarily an emotion, but an act of the will. It's a choice.

I'm sure I could expound on this, but I am just going to leave this topic with one last thought. If you truly love someone, you won't be seeking to have the power in the first place, even if you did care less. You would always be wanting to give the power back to the other person. Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Let's talk about....

Fantasy... what comes to mind when you hear this word? Ah, yes I know what is the first thought that comes to your mind... it might be fun to talk about "that" some day. Oh alright, you talked me into it. Why not talk about "it"? It is on everyone's minds anyway. And I have been fairly candid about my views on other things, so why not this? If you are still in the dark at this point about what I am talking about, I guess I will just spell it out for you.... the topic of this post is sex. Before I stop justifying why this is a valid thing to discuss, let me just say that sex is a God given gift. And let me take it a step further and say this: I believe that sex is very spiritual, as well as being physical and emotional. Sex is spiritual... what?? Absolutely. Why do I say this? Well the bible tells us that when a man a woman come together in that way, they become one flesh. There has to be something supernatural happening for 2 to equal 1. That is breaking the laws of physics and mathematics. But funny enough, it may not be breaking the laws of chemistry, since 2 molecules can combine all the time in chemistry. I think that's the reason God set up the parameters He did, with Him saying that sex should only happen in a loving, committed relationship. It's not to take away our fun. It was designed to be more "fun" in the setting God put into place.

But what's the reality of the situation? For reasons I don't understand, it seems to be what I hear, that after you get married, sex becomes obsolete, and couples don't have sex that often. So most people say, hey, get your kicks while you can and have sex with as many people as possible, cause after you get married, you won't have sex anymore. Why is this happening? Listen up women, cause I am about to get really tough on you. STOP saying you have headaches! STOP saying you are too busy! STOP making excuses. If you are married, your husband needs you in this area. You didn't get married to just have your own needs met, did you? STOP being so selfish! Men need sex, and they are not trying to make you feel like an object. Give them a little bit of credit, that they might actually LOVE you! Oh, and one more thing... STOP LYING to yourself. Women, you need sex too.

I don't know where this stupid double standard came from. There is one standard for men, it appears, and a completely different standard set up by society, and the church, for women. Men are told either subliminally, or blatantly, that its hip and masculine to go out and have as many "conquests" as possible. They are told that the more women they sleep with, the more masculine they are. But women are told to defend their 'honor", and that sex is "bad" and its dirty. I am making generalizations. There are always exceptions to the rule. I do not believe that sex should be liberal, and that in order to free ourselves, we should just sleep with whoever is in our path. But I do not believe either that this desire to have sex should be so repressed that you won't even talk about it anymore.

I don't know what else to say about this. I am not an expert, so many of you may not want to even listen to me. I'm sorry for being so harsh about this. I just find it disturbing that this whole issue has been so flipped on its head. Get over it... sex is not a bad thing. And its not dirty either. At least not in and of itself. Like everything, sex is what you make of it, and do with it. It's all about your intentions. Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Playing Games

I love to play games. I always have, probably always will. I will usually play any new game at least once. And if I really like the game, I can play it over and over without getting bored. Of course, it's always fun to mix it up and play a variety of games at any one given time. I guess, for me, playing games is a safe way to be adventurous and daring, without anyone getting hurt. It's even possible to play a game entirely inside your head, as happens in the classic RPGs - Role Playing Games, like Dunegeons and Dragons. Yes, I even play D&D sometimes. Now, I don't want to spend too much time talking about D&D, but I think its worth saying that, at least for me, I grew up in the church being told that it was bad, even evil, to play it. Now that I am 32, and have tried it for myself, I do not belive this fear of D&D is grounded in anything real. It is what you make of it, and is innocent, unless you have evil intentions. That's all I am going to say about that.

So the question I am going to raise here is, is playing games just a simple diversion, or is there some other values to be learned from playing games? Well, I don't think its any secret what point of view I take. I wouldn't be playing games unless I thought they had tremendous value. Besides the obvious diversion that games create, I do not believe that its necessarily escapism we are seeking when we play games. The games that we need to play with others create a social outlet, and can create a sense of community, and a feeling of connectedness with others. Games can even be a great way to break the ice with people you don't know, and games possibly bring people out of their shells. Games can also generate a healthy sense of competition.

Ah, but thats not all. There are also collaborative games, where either everyone loses, or everyone wins. This gives a sense of community and teamwork, and I believe this is a great life skill to have. Now you are not fighting each other, but fighting to defeat the scary monsters, or you are trying to get off an island that is sinking. Some games are thinking games, and exercise our brains. In general, I believe games can keep us young at heart, and that can't be a bad thing.

Now let me shift gears, and ask you this: is there any time when playing games may not be a good thing, and can even be harmful? I'm glad you asked. I believe there is at least one area of life where game playing is prevalent, but not always helpful in acheiving the result you might want. I will tell you why I believe this is true, but let me tell you which area of life I think this is happening in first. I think we all play games in the area of relationships, both romantic and platonic. You know what I am talking about. So the rest of this post will focus on why we do this in the area of relationships, specifically, romantic relationships.

Let me first talk about why we play these games in the first place. It may seem like the answer is obvious, but I also think it is pretty complex. I think its based in fear. That's the simple answer. Let's dig deeper though, and ask ourselves, what are we afraid of? Well, again, I think we are afraid that if the other person really saw us for who we really are, not who we are pretending to be, the person wouldn't like what they saw and would walk away. You may agree with me or not on this, but let me ask you another question: Why in the world do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't like the real you anyway? As a wise woman told me, some people are genuinely attracted to sincerity. If you will just risk letting down your guard, you may, in the end, find that one person who sees you, and loves you just the way you are. There is great freedom in this. You no longer have to wear a mask, and there would be no more fear of getting shot down or rejected. This is my personal theory, and what I try to live by. Just be yourself, and those who see the real you will be found, and they will stick with you through good and bad times. You just can't buy a treasure like that.

But, you say, I really like this person.... I can't lose him (or her). I will do anything to keep them, even if it means not being true to myself. Believe me, I understand this perspective so well. The funny thing is, the harder I have tried to hold on to someone, the more they slipped through my fingers. If I have learned anything from all this heartbreak, it is that love, the real kind of love, is an open hand, not an ever tightening fist. It sounds trite and cliche', but the truth is, if you really love someone, you have to let them go. And it's only if they stay with you that you know they love you too.

Everyone has value, and there is no replacing any single person with another. I think we all innately know this. We are scared that we will lose a piece of ourselves, the piece the other person brings out in us, if we honestly let them go. So we play games with each other. These are not friendly games, though. These kind of games hurt us and others. Is it ever ok to play games in relationships? Well maybe, but probably more in the sense of a collaborative game, then a competitive game.

I guess you could say that building a relationship is like playing a game, like building blocks. Or I know relationships are often times equated to a game of poker. "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run." Ok, thats enough singing for now. The point is, I believe that it is true that you can't just show all your "cards" at once to the other player. But you do have to show your cards eventually if you want to get to the next level. I don't think, though, that knowing when to hold back your cards, and when to show a new card or two, is really playing a game at all. I think its just being wise, and having discretion. After all, its important to guard our hearts, both for guys and girls, until you know that person isn't going to walk away at the first sign of some weirdness you might have.

And I will end this post with one word of caution, or advice. It is never wise, I believe, to assume that someone feels something for you if they don't actually say the words. You may suspect how they feel by the way they are acting, or the way they look at you, or things they do. But until someone says "I like you", or "I love you", don't just assume anything. Of course, this word of caution comes from my own personal experience, and may not be true for everyone. Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal... enjoy =)

by: Crystal Nylander

Happily-Ever-After

I have been pondering what to write for this month's post, seeing as I have so many thoughts about so many things, but nothing really stands out. Or maybe something does stand out. It is namely a question. Can there truly be a happily-ever-after in this thing we call the human condition? If so, what would that happy ending look like? Is it the same for everyone, or are there slight variations on it, depending on what kind of person you are? Ok, that was more than one question. But the gist is this: we all want to believe in happily-ever-after.... but when we face the "real" world, it doesn't look like there is such a thing as that.... for ANYONE. And the sad fact is, this makes many of us cynical. Or we go to the opposite extreme. We want to escape, and live in a fantasy world. Or we even live in the middle of these two extremes, trying to find balance, and we keep telling ourselves that we are content with mediocrity, that we are satisfied with "just ok", or that its ok that we didn't get EXACTLY what we wanted, that second best is "good enough".

This all leads to another question. If we have this desire to be wildly joyous, to be completely content, to actually find that "one" thing (or more than one thing, in some cases) that fills our hearts to the brim, and into overflowing, why is it that we never seem to be satisfied, or be able to say "enough" in this frustrating life? Some of you may be saying to yourself, but I am content, I have everything I need. What more can someone ask for? Now be honest with yourself. Is being merely content what you have always longed for? Is it enough for you to simply have everything you need? Or do you silently dream of the day when you will have everything you want as well?

I am not saying that we are never truly happy on this journey of life. It has been my personal experience, though, that there is always the anticipation of what might be "just around the bend", that I may even have a good life, but its not the best life, so I must continue on my search to find the next thrill or adventure that is going to fill the unquenchiable hole in my heart of hearts that always wants more, and is never completely satisfied. But it's also true that with this undeniable longing, there is a silent fear in yet another question: what if I got what I always wanted? And what if it was exactly to my specifications? What then? Would I finally be happy, and find my "happily-ever-after"?

And here is another troubling thought. Maybe I don't want to reach the "ever after". Maybe I rather enjoy the pursuit more than I enjoy the arriving at something. I don't think this is true though. I think the main reason why I, why all of us, keep pursuing is because the "next" thing just doesn't cut it, and we are looking for the real thing all the time.

Well, it should be obvious to you, the reader, at this point, that I am chock full of questions, but not many answers. What I do know is that life has never been easy for me. I am accustomed to being quietly discontent most of the time. And for those of you who have followed my blog, you may begin to understand that although I do not willingly invite pain into my life, I have become an expert in many of its nuances. Up to this point, the most painful thing I ever went through was losing the man I thought I so desperately wanted. And that is where I begin to see the key to the problem: I THOUGHT I wanted.

Do you ever spend time thinking about exactly what you want? I know I do. I mainly think about this often because I am often put in a position where what I want is brought to the forefront of my mind. Why? Because, as I am on this journey towards recovery, and all that it means to recover, I am often asked by those helping me along this journey, what do you want your life to look like in the next few months? The next year? The next five years? And so on it goes. I do believe it takes skill to hone and be able to truly determine what I want from life, instead of just blindly going about my day, just trying to meet "deadlines" or looking for the next fun time I can have.

It is no small thing to plan out your life. But a plan is meaningless if you don't take the necessary steps to implement it. And actually implementing the steps can often be the hardest thing you will ever do. But always behind all this planning and all this doing is this very slippery and tricky question: WHAT DO I REALLY WANT??? Not what does mom and dad want me to do? What does my church expect of me? What do my friends want me to do? What does society think I should want? It takes great effort, at least for me, to quiet all this noise of expectations from other people and listen to myself and find out, after all, what does Crystal want?

To make matters worse, behind every want, I am beginning to see that there is a deeper longing that the superficial want is pointing me to. And the difficult thing here is that if I just try to satisfy the superficial want, the deeper longing will go unment and I will still be unsatisfied, but not know why I feel that way.

For example, I want to be beautiful. But why do I want to be beautiful? Is it just for the sake of asthetics, to make my environment more pretty? Well, no, not exactly. If I dig a little deeper, I find that this desire to be beautiful is really a longing to be loved. Follow my train of thought for a minute. Beautiful people seem to get what they want more than the not so beautiful. And the message the world is always giving me (I am guessing it gives you the same message too) is that if you look good, you can have whatever you want. People tend to gravitate to beautiful people. Therefore, if I am beautiful, I will attract people, and just by those people being in my presence, they will love me. I know there are a lot of falsehoods in this train of thought, and I won't show them to you right now. Regardless though of my faulty line of thinking, I still want to be beautiful so I can be loved. My desire to be beautiful is simply a mask, or disguise for the deeper longing to be loved.

So what I find is this dualism between what I want and what I long for. And they are always fighting to get the upper hand. So who is going to win? That all depends on which one I pay more attention to. What's a girl (or guy) to do? Well my suggestion for this problem is to really tune in to these wants that we all have and try to find out what the deeper longing is.

Wouldn't it be great though, if there were some instruction manual that told us what those longings are, and not only that, but how to fulfill them? So remember that problem I told you about? The one about where I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted? Let me just cut to the chase and tell you what I am driving at. I do not believe that I am the best judge of what is good for me or what will make me truly happiest. I do, however, believe that there is someone who does know, and I believe this someone did write a book that tells me what will, in the end, truly satisfy me. I know I may lose some of my readers when I say this next statement, but I am going to say it anway. I think God is that someone, and the Bible is His instruction manual for how to satisfy the human heart. You may disagree with me. I am not going to argue with you about the veracity of the Bible or whether God even exists. It's a matter of faith whether you believe these things or not.

So back to the question of is there such a thing as happily-ever-after? Well, maybe thats the wrong question to be asking. Maybe I should rather ask, how can I have my happily-now-forever. Here's a novel thought: maybe, just maybe, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. This thought gives me hope. It means that my endless search can finally come to rest, not in some distant maybe point in the future, but it can find its longings answered right now, here in this moment. How? Well, the Bible tells me that happiness is not found in a thing, but in a Person. Who is that Person? That Person is Jesus. And I for one believe that Jesus is the answer.

I'm sure some of you were hoping when you started reading this post that my train of thought would end up somewhere else, with some new, exciting, earth-shattering idea. That's just it though. There is nothing, and noone, more earth-shattering and controversial than Jesus. This is why Jesus rings true for me as being the answer. There is no other story out there quite like Jesus' story.

Well, I hope if nothing else, I have given you, and myself, some more to think about. It is true that I, or anyone for that matter, can't tell you where to find happiness or what it looks like. You have to go on that journey for yourself. But these are my thoughts, and I hope you will take them into consideration. Just more ideas from the mind of Crystal =)

By: Crystal Nylander

Hope in the Darkness

Like water pours from a fountain
Despair poured from her soul
Life had been shrouded in darkness
By black clouds overhead
Her mind shackled to a memory
Her heart filled with pain
Over what had been lost, never to be regained
But what was this sadness
That overtook her like a spell?
She pondered to the heavens
Why summers warming glow
Had been replaced
By winters frosty hand
And yet in the distance
There was a light barely seen
A glimmer of hope for the life to be redeemed
A candle in the darkness
For all the world to see
The Spirit of the One who knows all things
Spoke to her soul ever so gently
"Haven't I brought you through other dark times before?
Can you not trust Me, just this once more?"
It was then that she knew she could stand
Knew she would not fall
For God Almighty was holding her hand
And what lies ahead, she cannot say
But the Lord said He would be with her
And to this promise she will cling

by: Crystal Nylander

Missing In Action

Do you ever have the gnawing feeling that you are missing something about life in general, and if you could just find the gem that told you how to navigate this life, everything would be ok? I know I have. I am not here to tell you what that gem is. I believe if there is only one gem, than it is multifaceted, and can only be looked at truly one facet at a time. Once you have seen all the facets (which I believe impossible to do in one lifetime) then maybe, just maybe, you could piece them all together to see the whole of the one gem. What is probably more true to life is that there are a multitude of gems with a multitude of facets, and each gem would take a hundred lifetimes to explore just to see that one gem.

Now before you throw your hands up in frustration at me, and say "That's impossible to navigate!" and walk away, let me say that yes, you are probably right. That is impossible. After all, didn't I just say it would take hundreds of lifetimes just to explore one gem? How can we navigate life at all if there are thousands of other gems that we will never have a chance to glace at in this lifetime? Well, don't lose hope yet. Because I believe we will have those hundreds and thousands of lifetimes to explore all the gems. We will never get bored of each facet, but find that each time we look at it, it is more glorious and sparkling than the time before. I believe there is an eternal after life in which we can go to be with Jesus and spend an eternity just looking at all these gems with Jesus as our guide to see them with true clarity. But the after life is not the main topic of this post. Perhaps I will discuss this in a later post.

Whats my point then? Well, I believe, if I may be so bold to say this, that I have stumbled upon one of the most misunderstood facets and sometimes shunned facets, but if it was truly understood, we would see that it shines just as brilliantly as the rest. Not only is it misunderstood and shunned, people run screaming from it, thinking that it is something that will ruin their lives, when it never was intended to do that. Rather it enhances our lives and makes them shine all the brighter. And it is a facet that won't follow us into eternity. The only time we can truly understand it and squeeze all the beauty out of it that we can, is here. Because my understanding, as little as it is, is that it wont be in the after life. What is this facet? We know its name only too well: Pain.

The crazy thing is that if pain is just one facet of one gem, then even that one facet has many facets to look at. But I will generalize all of them to one facet, just to save time. Pain will be the facet that encompasses everything we find uncomfortable in this world. It includes loss, rejection, denial, unanswered prayers, waiting for something, never attaining a goal, ridicule, love denied, family tensions, death, wounds, hurts, struggles... you get the general idea. It extends from the very mildest form to the sharpest most severe amount it can inflict. It can be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, etc. Have I lost you yet? Are you thinking to yourself, how can this possibly be part of a beautiful, dazzling, sparkling gem? Well, if you will just stay with me, I will try to explain what I believe I have stumbled upon.

First, let me tell you what I am NOT saying. Pain is not something to be wallowed in, or to have a pity party about. It is not a place to visit and then set up our houses and stay for a long time. We should not fixate on it, for if we do, it won't be pretty at all. It will crush us with its weight, and rather then our lives shining like a diamond, we will be destroyed.

So what am I saying? Pain is a double edged sword, and whichever side you land on depends wholly on your reaction to pain, or your attitude about pain. If you land on one side, it will split you open, and as I mentioned above, you will be destroyed. But, if your heart is open, and you have peace in your soul, then when you find yourself touched with pain, it will still cut you, but it will be a cutting away of the ugly, and only the beautiful will remain. If the latter is the case for you, pain has always been a blessing in disguise. For it is often the vehicle that propels and motivates us to get from point A to point Z in our lives. Without pain of even the mildest format, many of us would simply stay where we are in life, and would not reap the joys of a fulfilled life.

Honestly ask yourself if this has not been the case in your own life. Test your past to see if what I am saying is false. I know for me that pain has pushed me forward in leaps and bounds where otherwise I would have stayed stagnant and complacent. One example that comes to mind is having children. I don't have any children of my own yet, but I know enough to know that having a child is physically very painful for the mother. The birth process is full of sharp pain, but the joy of the child that is received on the other end of that pain is beyond what most mothers can describe. I could share from my own life the story of pain, and what it has done for me. But maybe I will share some of that later. I just wanted to share my thoughts on pain, and maybe give some of you hope, and perhaps change your perspective on things a bit. Just some thoughts from the mind of Crystal =)

by Crystal Nylander

Is There More?

I would like to preface this post by saying that this particular blog may seem preachy to some of you. This is not my intent. I merely want to share what I have been listening to, and reading over the past couple of months, and what it has meant to me.


Having said that, let me tell you what this blog is mostly based on. I have been listening to a preacher named Timothy Keller who is the pastor of a Presbyterian church named Redeemer, and it is based out of New York. He has a podcast that can be downloaded for free on iTunes, if any of you have iTunes. I have also started reading some of his books, one being "Counterfeit Gods" and now I am reading "The Prodigal God". I was introduced to his podcast by a dear friend of mine, and I have been so touched by what Timothy Keller has to say, that I want to share it with you, the reader of this blog. I will not be quoting any of his sermons, seeing as there are too many quotes, it would take up the whole blog. Rather, I am just going to put in my own words the sense that I am getting by listening to Timothy Keller.


I have been a Christian since the young age of 4. I remember clearly my conversion experience. I was sitting at the island in our kitchen in my family's California home. My mom came to me and asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart, after a brief explanation by her of what that meant. Even at that young age, I still knew what it meant, and I said yes. My mom prayed with me the "sinner's prayer" and I was born again. From that time on, I always knew Jesus was, and is, with me. Even in my most rebellious state, I knew He had never left me, nor will He ever leave me.


So how does my conversion experience tie into Timothy Keller's sermons, you may ask. Let me tell you. Even though I have been a Christian for some 28 years now, and grew up in a Christian home, and a non-denominational Christian church, I have never quite heard the gospel of Jesus so powerfully explained to me as it has been by Timothy Keller. This profoundly means that any of us can go to church all our lives, and still be in the dark when it comes to the true meaning of Christianity. We may think we know, but do we really? Or is there more, as the title of this blog implies?


Let me be careful to say that Timothy Keller is just a man and that the true revelation of God comes from God's Word, the Bible. I do believe, though, that Timothy Keller has some great insight and is worth listening to, just to get our brains thinking about the tough issues. Timothy Keller is a place to start that thinking process, but he is not the end of that process.


So what am I learning? Mainly this: There is so much more to the gospel then just the state of being saved and going to heaven. This is a great thing in and of itself, to be sure. But as some of you may already know, Jesus IS heaven, and to be saved is to be with Jesus....even now. This I have accepted intellectually and (I hope) in my heart as well. But the more I hear about the gospel, the more I feel my head about to explode (not literally) with one simple idea. What's that idea? It is this: I do not know the gospel as much as I could, and if I did, my reaction would and should be continual celebration and weeping for joy. It is that amazing and that great!


Even Timothy Keller's sermons only touch the tip of the iceberg, as it were, on what the gospel truly means. I have been feeling more and more that I am standing at a precipice, looking down into the message of the gospel, and that if I take one more step towards understanding it, I will fall into the chasm of joy, and be so surrounded by it that it would almost be unbearable....almost. I say almost because to say that anything that Jesus offers us is unbearable, is in fact, a contradiction. Jesus never gives us more than we can handle. And so it stands at this: Jesus offers joy unspeakable and overwhelming, and yet we are not consumed by it. We remain intact. This is a beautiful pardox.

So what is so amazing about the gospel? Everything! We not only will have what we need in the future, when we go to heaven, but we have all we need now! My understanding of the gospel is very cloudy and shrouded in shadow, but even my mere glimpses of it are glorious! Jesus took every punishment and depravation we should have had upon Himself, and in return, gave us every blessing and treasure that was and is rightfully His. Why did He do this amazing thing? Because we are His treasure! He values us so much more then could ever be expressed. Like I have been trying to express in this blog, I do not even know the half of it. It is truly beyond understanding. But if we could just begin to wrap our minds around this simple idea, mainly this: Jesus has the highest regard for you and me. And He is the King of the UNIVERSE! He is the most powerful being ever, but He humbled Himself to show just how much He truly loves us. If we could truly comprehend this, we would be truly changed..

I pray every day that I will be more like Jesus. Not so that He can give me things or bless me. He has already blessed me more than I deserve. And I know He will continue to bless me. But Jesus is an end in Himself. Jesus is the ultimate goal. To have Jesus is to have everything. And if we really knew this, we would no longer have a gnawing emptiness inside. We wouldn't be searching for something else, because we would KNOW that we had already found it. This is my prayer for all of you and myself. That we would truly find Jesus, and in finding Him, we would know that we are now complete.

by Crystal