Control is an illusion. It doesn't exist. Never has, never will. Sure, you put your hands on the wheel of your vehicle and by turning the wheel this way and that, you can tell it whichever way you want it to go. But you have no real control of whether that car is going to keep running from one moment to the next. The same is true of your life. You don't know if in the next moment you are going to choke on a piece of lettuce, or if you are just going stop breathing for no reason at all. You can't control the beating of your own heart.
And yet that is exactly what an eating disorder is trying to achieve: control. Control of what? Control of one's self, of one's environment and control of other people. What do I mean? Well, controlling one's self is simple enough. I can seemingly control how much I digest into my system, or throw back up again, depending on which eating disorder we are talking about here. Controlling the environment and other people kinda go hand in hand. See, what most women secretly believe is that if they can just achieve the perfect look, then their lives will just fall into place. Doors will just magically open up to them. People will be kind, loving and respectful to the smart, sexy, lady. And if a woman looks put together, she will probably have more job opportunities. Probably the most important aspect of all this for me has been the hope of finding the perfect relationship. It is the holy grail of life for me, and why I still hold on to my personal eating disorder, so that I can bring it out in case I ever need it.
Yet, in our heart of hearts, we know this is a lie. Beauty does not equal opportunity, and it certainly does not bring happiness. No amount of control in my life is going to make someone love me. I find I get better results when I am just honest and genuine. People respond to an open hand, not a clenched, controlling fist.
So if we know that eating disorders are so bad for us and do not give us the results we want, why do we turn to them? Let me get personal and tell you why I did it, continue to do it, and will always hold that eating disorder card in my back pocket. I have always stated the obvious reason: control. But it's more nuanced than that. I speak of love being the holy grail for me. For me, I thought if I could just be the thinnest girl in any room, it meant I was the most desirable by men (not true), and that I would be the envy of all women (maybe true). Being beautiful meant, and still does mean, everything to me. I have just found a different way of defining what true beauty is so that it fits into my chaotic life. Now I focus on the inner beauty of my heart, and I find it shining out of my life till it comes out of me physically. Whether you are ready to hear this or not, I am a knock out gorgeous fox, and I mean that physically. I have a heart of gold, and that makes me the pure in heart and beautiful on the inside. But I have acheived my goal of being beautiful on the outside as well, and I have done it better than I ever imagined. I did it without even trying. And there in lies the key. But lets put the key down for a second. The simple fact is, even if no other guy sees me as beautiful (oh but they do) and even if no other woman but myself thought I was pretty, I would be happy. I am no longer trying to please anyone else but myself, and that is the key to all of this.
So I would like to end this post simply by saying that I know you women out there are hurting. And maybe even some of you men struggle with this too. You don't have to. I will struggle with this all the days of my life, cause its in my nature. But every time it gets hard, I just pick up my pretty key, and unlock the door into a world filled with the things I have filled it with. Your world will be different, but no less beautiful. Please don't let this thing called eating disorder destroy you. Remember, you gotta eat to live. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.
by: Crystal Nylander
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