The List

We all have one. It's a list of what the perfect guy or girl should be like that we want to meet and marry some day. It might consist of something like: 1) Can make me laugh 2.) Has similar beliefs as me 3.) Is kind 4.) Likes to play games. I'm sure your list will be different then, say, my list, but you get the general idea. At what point, though, do we budge on the list, and accept the person for who they are, even if they don't meet all our "requirements"? Well, first of all, you and I are never going to find that perfect person, cause they don't exist.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards. I happen to have very high standards. But over time, I have realized that I just can't fit someone in my "perfect" box and expect them to be themselves. They would be trying too hard to please me, and things just wouldn't flow like they are supposed to in a relationship. So although I hold out hope for finding the perfect guy for me some day, I know he is going to be just a man. So what should I do with my list in the event that I find the guy I have always been looking for? Do I throw it away? Well, in some cases that might be the best option. But more likely, it would be best to decide what you must have in this person and what is negotiable.

For example, you may have a requirement that says he, or she, must be faithful to me at all cost, and they can't cheat ever. Thats a good thing to need. You may want to keep that on the list and not budge on it. But if another item on your list is, they must be a certain height or weight, you may want to reconsider this. Because, eventually, we all lose our looks. And what your left with is the inside of the person. And that is more priceless than gold.

I don't have much else to say on this, other than lets accept each other for who we really are, and choose our friends wisely. For those who you associate with is what you become. Its just the power of influence others have on us. Also, if you want to meet the right person, you gotta be the right person. That doesn't mean you have to become proficient in all home-making tasks. It just means you need to work on your attitude towards things and people. It may be the physical that initially attracts us to someone, but it is the spirit of the person that is going to keep us with them. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Favorite Things

Ok, so this blog is about me and my thoughts. So allow me to be a little self-indulgent, and assume that you might actually want to hear about me. So I am going to attempt to make a list of my favorite things.

My favorite animal is the fox, but I think I mentioned that already. My favorite bird is the peacock. I think they are majestic and just beautiful. My favorite flower is the daffodil, followed by a close second of hydrangeas, all the colors. My favorite state is Hawaii. My favorite state of mind is Peace. My favorite character in the Bible is Joseph, aside from Jesus of course. My favorite book in the Bible is Romans. My favorite verse in the Bible is Psalm 37:4.... I guess you will just have to look it up. My favorite color is violet, followed closely by pink.

If I had to move to a different state of my choice, I think I would choose Oregon. The pet I would love to have the most is a dog, followed closely by a cat. Cat's are easier to maintain though. My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings. And that is also my favorite book. My favorite singer right now is Madilyn Bailey. Never heard of her? Look her up on youtube! If I had to choose between the mountains and the beach, I would choose the beach. My favorite sport is volleyball. But if I could only choose one form of exercise, it would be swimming. I love reddish brown hair, and if I ever change my hair color, thats probably what I will change it to. My favorite toy as a kid was My Little Pony, and I still have a few today. My favorite activity is having parties. My favorite thing to do in my free time is listen to music. If I had a super power, I think I would choose flying. My favorite word right now is Classy. My favorite number is 4.

My favorite fairy tale is The Little Mermaid, followed by a close second of Beauty and the Beast. My favorite television show right now is Once Upon a Time. I love my eggs over easy. And my favorite breakfast food is crepes with sour cream and strawberries. My favorite smell is sweet pea. I love hugs and kisses. My favorite kind of chocolate is Dove. Well, I think thats enough favorites for now. I will try to think of some more in the future. Thanks for reading though! Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal =)

by: Crystal Nylander

Servant's Heart

What does it mean to have a servant's heart? Does it mean that you let others use you in whatever manner they please? Well, I think what I have stumbled on in this area may surprise you. Jesus told us in the Bible that the first shall be last and the last shall be first. But He didn't stop there. He told us that in order to find your life, you have to lose it. And that if you want to be greatest in the Kingdom of God, you have to be the least. I think Jesus knew something that many of us find counter-intuitive. You won't find true happiness and contentment until you stop focusing on yourself, and start focusing on another person, or persons, as the case may be.

I still have yet to truly find my "purpose" in life, and the one cause that I can devote my life to. I remain optimistic that God will reveal this to me when the time comes. In the mean time, I think the best thing I can do for myself is to just befriend those God has put in my path, and show them that they are truly one of a kind, and loved deeply by their Creator. So in a strange sense, when I am serving my fellow mankind, I am actually serving myself, and God. It's all backwards, but trust me, for some reason, I get the biggest kick out of seeing other people happy. And if I have been part of that happiness for people, I feel my heart swell with joy, and I am incredibly content.

I'm not saying I have this down to a science. And I definitely screw up in this area so many times a day that its embarrassing. I'm not a saint. But I do think, from time to time, I do get it right. The Church is equated to a body, and is called the body of Christ. What does this have to do with anything? Well, what may be my calling may not be yours. The body has many different functioning parts and they all need to do their different tasks. So whereas, I may be more hands on, you may be more in the shadows, doing things that no one will ever see, but that benefit reaches far and wide. Or you could be up front and center, where everyone can see you, doing great things that way. I just hope and pray we will all start on this quest to find where our place in the body is, and to be the best part of that body we can be. That's truly being a servant at heart. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal =)

by: Crystal Nylander

Power Play

Who ultimately holds the power in a relationship to determine which direction it is going to go, and how soon it's going to get there? Well, the theory goes something like this: it's the person who cares less that holds all the keys, and the other person, who is holding the locks, is hoping and praying that this person with all the power will give them at least one key to work with. Perhaps this is true, but I find this rather selfish. It's toying with people's emotions, and that is just not right. The result is something like this: the one tripping on all the power probably gets a kick out of being in control. And the person with the least amount of power is left out in the cold, feeling insecure and maybe even desperate.

I was told recently that there is always someone who cares less in a relationship. But what if it were possible that both parties cared about each other equally the same? Being an accounting major, I am always looking for ways to balance the equation, for both sides to be equal to each other. Naturally, being told that something is impossible never stopped me from looking for ways it might become possible. Just because it may not have been done before, it doesn't mean its impossible. So I reject this idea that someone always cares less.

For example, what if I wanted to take things super slow in a relationship? And let's say that on the surface, for all intents and purposes, it looked like I had the most power, cause it appeared that I cared less. But the other person wants to take things at the speed of light. Well, I may be an anomily, but I see myself as having only 3 options at this point. I can exert my power and put the brakes on and make this person bow, in a manner of speaking, to my will. Or, I can try to reason with this person, and reach a compromise, where we are going neither fast nor slow. Or I can lay down my will all together, and defer to this person's will. What would be ideal, is after having deferred to this person, they would then want to defer to me a little bit. I don't really know how all this would play out. I still think its possible for each party to care about the other party equally the same. In all of this shifting of power, we must remember that Love is not primarily an emotion, but an act of the will. It's a choice.

I'm sure I could expound on this, but I am just going to leave this topic with one last thought. If you truly love someone, you won't be seeking to have the power in the first place, even if you did care less. You would always be wanting to give the power back to the other person. Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Let's talk about....

Fantasy... what comes to mind when you hear this word? Ah, yes I know what is the first thought that comes to your mind... it might be fun to talk about "that" some day. Oh alright, you talked me into it. Why not talk about "it"? It is on everyone's minds anyway. And I have been fairly candid about my views on other things, so why not this? If you are still in the dark at this point about what I am talking about, I guess I will just spell it out for you.... the topic of this post is sex. Before I stop justifying why this is a valid thing to discuss, let me just say that sex is a God given gift. And let me take it a step further and say this: I believe that sex is very spiritual, as well as being physical and emotional. Sex is spiritual... what?? Absolutely. Why do I say this? Well the bible tells us that when a man a woman come together in that way, they become one flesh. There has to be something supernatural happening for 2 to equal 1. That is breaking the laws of physics and mathematics. But funny enough, it may not be breaking the laws of chemistry, since 2 molecules can combine all the time in chemistry. I think that's the reason God set up the parameters He did, with Him saying that sex should only happen in a loving, committed relationship. It's not to take away our fun. It was designed to be more "fun" in the setting God put into place.

But what's the reality of the situation? For reasons I don't understand, it seems to be what I hear, that after you get married, sex becomes obsolete, and couples don't have sex that often. So most people say, hey, get your kicks while you can and have sex with as many people as possible, cause after you get married, you won't have sex anymore. Why is this happening? Listen up women, cause I am about to get really tough on you. STOP saying you have headaches! STOP saying you are too busy! STOP making excuses. If you are married, your husband needs you in this area. You didn't get married to just have your own needs met, did you? STOP being so selfish! Men need sex, and they are not trying to make you feel like an object. Give them a little bit of credit, that they might actually LOVE you! Oh, and one more thing... STOP LYING to yourself. Women, you need sex too.

I don't know where this stupid double standard came from. There is one standard for men, it appears, and a completely different standard set up by society, and the church, for women. Men are told either subliminally, or blatantly, that its hip and masculine to go out and have as many "conquests" as possible. They are told that the more women they sleep with, the more masculine they are. But women are told to defend their 'honor", and that sex is "bad" and its dirty. I am making generalizations. There are always exceptions to the rule. I do not believe that sex should be liberal, and that in order to free ourselves, we should just sleep with whoever is in our path. But I do not believe either that this desire to have sex should be so repressed that you won't even talk about it anymore.

I don't know what else to say about this. I am not an expert, so many of you may not want to even listen to me. I'm sorry for being so harsh about this. I just find it disturbing that this whole issue has been so flipped on its head. Get over it... sex is not a bad thing. And its not dirty either. At least not in and of itself. Like everything, sex is what you make of it, and do with it. It's all about your intentions. Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Playing Games

I love to play games. I always have, probably always will. I will usually play any new game at least once. And if I really like the game, I can play it over and over without getting bored. Of course, it's always fun to mix it up and play a variety of games at any one given time. I guess, for me, playing games is a safe way to be adventurous and daring, without anyone getting hurt. It's even possible to play a game entirely inside your head, as happens in the classic RPGs - Role Playing Games, like Dunegeons and Dragons. Yes, I even play D&D sometimes. Now, I don't want to spend too much time talking about D&D, but I think its worth saying that, at least for me, I grew up in the church being told that it was bad, even evil, to play it. Now that I am 32, and have tried it for myself, I do not belive this fear of D&D is grounded in anything real. It is what you make of it, and is innocent, unless you have evil intentions. That's all I am going to say about that.

So the question I am going to raise here is, is playing games just a simple diversion, or is there some other values to be learned from playing games? Well, I don't think its any secret what point of view I take. I wouldn't be playing games unless I thought they had tremendous value. Besides the obvious diversion that games create, I do not believe that its necessarily escapism we are seeking when we play games. The games that we need to play with others create a social outlet, and can create a sense of community, and a feeling of connectedness with others. Games can even be a great way to break the ice with people you don't know, and games possibly bring people out of their shells. Games can also generate a healthy sense of competition.

Ah, but thats not all. There are also collaborative games, where either everyone loses, or everyone wins. This gives a sense of community and teamwork, and I believe this is a great life skill to have. Now you are not fighting each other, but fighting to defeat the scary monsters, or you are trying to get off an island that is sinking. Some games are thinking games, and exercise our brains. In general, I believe games can keep us young at heart, and that can't be a bad thing.

Now let me shift gears, and ask you this: is there any time when playing games may not be a good thing, and can even be harmful? I'm glad you asked. I believe there is at least one area of life where game playing is prevalent, but not always helpful in acheiving the result you might want. I will tell you why I believe this is true, but let me tell you which area of life I think this is happening in first. I think we all play games in the area of relationships, both romantic and platonic. You know what I am talking about. So the rest of this post will focus on why we do this in the area of relationships, specifically, romantic relationships.

Let me first talk about why we play these games in the first place. It may seem like the answer is obvious, but I also think it is pretty complex. I think its based in fear. That's the simple answer. Let's dig deeper though, and ask ourselves, what are we afraid of? Well, again, I think we are afraid that if the other person really saw us for who we really are, not who we are pretending to be, the person wouldn't like what they saw and would walk away. You may agree with me or not on this, but let me ask you another question: Why in the world do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't like the real you anyway? As a wise woman told me, some people are genuinely attracted to sincerity. If you will just risk letting down your guard, you may, in the end, find that one person who sees you, and loves you just the way you are. There is great freedom in this. You no longer have to wear a mask, and there would be no more fear of getting shot down or rejected. This is my personal theory, and what I try to live by. Just be yourself, and those who see the real you will be found, and they will stick with you through good and bad times. You just can't buy a treasure like that.

But, you say, I really like this person.... I can't lose him (or her). I will do anything to keep them, even if it means not being true to myself. Believe me, I understand this perspective so well. The funny thing is, the harder I have tried to hold on to someone, the more they slipped through my fingers. If I have learned anything from all this heartbreak, it is that love, the real kind of love, is an open hand, not an ever tightening fist. It sounds trite and cliche', but the truth is, if you really love someone, you have to let them go. And it's only if they stay with you that you know they love you too.

Everyone has value, and there is no replacing any single person with another. I think we all innately know this. We are scared that we will lose a piece of ourselves, the piece the other person brings out in us, if we honestly let them go. So we play games with each other. These are not friendly games, though. These kind of games hurt us and others. Is it ever ok to play games in relationships? Well maybe, but probably more in the sense of a collaborative game, then a competitive game.

I guess you could say that building a relationship is like playing a game, like building blocks. Or I know relationships are often times equated to a game of poker. "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run." Ok, thats enough singing for now. The point is, I believe that it is true that you can't just show all your "cards" at once to the other player. But you do have to show your cards eventually if you want to get to the next level. I don't think, though, that knowing when to hold back your cards, and when to show a new card or two, is really playing a game at all. I think its just being wise, and having discretion. After all, its important to guard our hearts, both for guys and girls, until you know that person isn't going to walk away at the first sign of some weirdness you might have.

And I will end this post with one word of caution, or advice. It is never wise, I believe, to assume that someone feels something for you if they don't actually say the words. You may suspect how they feel by the way they are acting, or the way they look at you, or things they do. But until someone says "I like you", or "I love you", don't just assume anything. Of course, this word of caution comes from my own personal experience, and may not be true for everyone. Just some more thoughts from the mind of Crystal... enjoy =)

by: Crystal Nylander

Happily-Ever-After

I have been pondering what to write for this month's post, seeing as I have so many thoughts about so many things, but nothing really stands out. Or maybe something does stand out. It is namely a question. Can there truly be a happily-ever-after in this thing we call the human condition? If so, what would that happy ending look like? Is it the same for everyone, or are there slight variations on it, depending on what kind of person you are? Ok, that was more than one question. But the gist is this: we all want to believe in happily-ever-after.... but when we face the "real" world, it doesn't look like there is such a thing as that.... for ANYONE. And the sad fact is, this makes many of us cynical. Or we go to the opposite extreme. We want to escape, and live in a fantasy world. Or we even live in the middle of these two extremes, trying to find balance, and we keep telling ourselves that we are content with mediocrity, that we are satisfied with "just ok", or that its ok that we didn't get EXACTLY what we wanted, that second best is "good enough".

This all leads to another question. If we have this desire to be wildly joyous, to be completely content, to actually find that "one" thing (or more than one thing, in some cases) that fills our hearts to the brim, and into overflowing, why is it that we never seem to be satisfied, or be able to say "enough" in this frustrating life? Some of you may be saying to yourself, but I am content, I have everything I need. What more can someone ask for? Now be honest with yourself. Is being merely content what you have always longed for? Is it enough for you to simply have everything you need? Or do you silently dream of the day when you will have everything you want as well?

I am not saying that we are never truly happy on this journey of life. It has been my personal experience, though, that there is always the anticipation of what might be "just around the bend", that I may even have a good life, but its not the best life, so I must continue on my search to find the next thrill or adventure that is going to fill the unquenchiable hole in my heart of hearts that always wants more, and is never completely satisfied. But it's also true that with this undeniable longing, there is a silent fear in yet another question: what if I got what I always wanted? And what if it was exactly to my specifications? What then? Would I finally be happy, and find my "happily-ever-after"?

And here is another troubling thought. Maybe I don't want to reach the "ever after". Maybe I rather enjoy the pursuit more than I enjoy the arriving at something. I don't think this is true though. I think the main reason why I, why all of us, keep pursuing is because the "next" thing just doesn't cut it, and we are looking for the real thing all the time.

Well, it should be obvious to you, the reader, at this point, that I am chock full of questions, but not many answers. What I do know is that life has never been easy for me. I am accustomed to being quietly discontent most of the time. And for those of you who have followed my blog, you may begin to understand that although I do not willingly invite pain into my life, I have become an expert in many of its nuances. Up to this point, the most painful thing I ever went through was losing the man I thought I so desperately wanted. And that is where I begin to see the key to the problem: I THOUGHT I wanted.

Do you ever spend time thinking about exactly what you want? I know I do. I mainly think about this often because I am often put in a position where what I want is brought to the forefront of my mind. Why? Because, as I am on this journey towards recovery, and all that it means to recover, I am often asked by those helping me along this journey, what do you want your life to look like in the next few months? The next year? The next five years? And so on it goes. I do believe it takes skill to hone and be able to truly determine what I want from life, instead of just blindly going about my day, just trying to meet "deadlines" or looking for the next fun time I can have.

It is no small thing to plan out your life. But a plan is meaningless if you don't take the necessary steps to implement it. And actually implementing the steps can often be the hardest thing you will ever do. But always behind all this planning and all this doing is this very slippery and tricky question: WHAT DO I REALLY WANT??? Not what does mom and dad want me to do? What does my church expect of me? What do my friends want me to do? What does society think I should want? It takes great effort, at least for me, to quiet all this noise of expectations from other people and listen to myself and find out, after all, what does Crystal want?

To make matters worse, behind every want, I am beginning to see that there is a deeper longing that the superficial want is pointing me to. And the difficult thing here is that if I just try to satisfy the superficial want, the deeper longing will go unment and I will still be unsatisfied, but not know why I feel that way.

For example, I want to be beautiful. But why do I want to be beautiful? Is it just for the sake of asthetics, to make my environment more pretty? Well, no, not exactly. If I dig a little deeper, I find that this desire to be beautiful is really a longing to be loved. Follow my train of thought for a minute. Beautiful people seem to get what they want more than the not so beautiful. And the message the world is always giving me (I am guessing it gives you the same message too) is that if you look good, you can have whatever you want. People tend to gravitate to beautiful people. Therefore, if I am beautiful, I will attract people, and just by those people being in my presence, they will love me. I know there are a lot of falsehoods in this train of thought, and I won't show them to you right now. Regardless though of my faulty line of thinking, I still want to be beautiful so I can be loved. My desire to be beautiful is simply a mask, or disguise for the deeper longing to be loved.

So what I find is this dualism between what I want and what I long for. And they are always fighting to get the upper hand. So who is going to win? That all depends on which one I pay more attention to. What's a girl (or guy) to do? Well my suggestion for this problem is to really tune in to these wants that we all have and try to find out what the deeper longing is.

Wouldn't it be great though, if there were some instruction manual that told us what those longings are, and not only that, but how to fulfill them? So remember that problem I told you about? The one about where I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted? Let me just cut to the chase and tell you what I am driving at. I do not believe that I am the best judge of what is good for me or what will make me truly happiest. I do, however, believe that there is someone who does know, and I believe this someone did write a book that tells me what will, in the end, truly satisfy me. I know I may lose some of my readers when I say this next statement, but I am going to say it anway. I think God is that someone, and the Bible is His instruction manual for how to satisfy the human heart. You may disagree with me. I am not going to argue with you about the veracity of the Bible or whether God even exists. It's a matter of faith whether you believe these things or not.

So back to the question of is there such a thing as happily-ever-after? Well, maybe thats the wrong question to be asking. Maybe I should rather ask, how can I have my happily-now-forever. Here's a novel thought: maybe, just maybe, happiness is not a destination, but a journey. This thought gives me hope. It means that my endless search can finally come to rest, not in some distant maybe point in the future, but it can find its longings answered right now, here in this moment. How? Well, the Bible tells me that happiness is not found in a thing, but in a Person. Who is that Person? That Person is Jesus. And I for one believe that Jesus is the answer.

I'm sure some of you were hoping when you started reading this post that my train of thought would end up somewhere else, with some new, exciting, earth-shattering idea. That's just it though. There is nothing, and noone, more earth-shattering and controversial than Jesus. This is why Jesus rings true for me as being the answer. There is no other story out there quite like Jesus' story.

Well, I hope if nothing else, I have given you, and myself, some more to think about. It is true that I, or anyone for that matter, can't tell you where to find happiness or what it looks like. You have to go on that journey for yourself. But these are my thoughts, and I hope you will take them into consideration. Just more ideas from the mind of Crystal =)

By: Crystal Nylander