Beautiful

What makes a person beautiful? Is it just the physical exterior? I think if we look closer, we will see that beauty is more than just skin deep. I think it comes from somewhere inside a person, and just overflows out of them like a waterfall, if they truly have "it". You could say that being beautiful is a state of mind and an attitude. Or more like it, it is a state of "heart". Again, I will ask you to follow me down the rabbit hole and see things from my perspective. Let me start by telling you a little bit more about my story.

I was 9 years old. I had just learned how to draw a lion, or what I thought looked like a lion. I was so impressed with myself cause I had now moved on from stick figures to actual art, or what I considered art. Now I wanted to draw every animal I saw. And boy did I ever. My desire for drawing was unstoppable. I often wonder what happened to that artistic little girl who loved to draw. I lost sight of her, until God reintroduced me to her in a mental hospital called LAMPS just this Easter weekend. But that's a story for another time.

But something else was lurking inside this 9 year old little Crystal. Something dark and sinister. What shall we call it? We shall name it pride and vanity. I began to see other little girls, and to notice how attractive they were. I began to want to be the prettiest girl in the room and I began to notice that I was not the prettiest girl in the room. Not only that, I was a little heavier than the other girls in the room, and I couldn't seem to shake the weight off. I wasn't excessively overweight... just a few pounds. But it was enough to shrivel my self-esteem to the size of a raisin, and I began to realize that I loathed myself. It was almost to the point of self-hatred. And it was to the point where I truly hated anyone who was prettier than I was.... which was pretty much every girl out there.

My mother has always been naturally beautiful. I could not compete with such beauty. I felt like I was always held up in comparison to her and found lacking. That is still true today, although it now brings a reaction of anger up in me instead of hatred, but either way, I am still mad about it. Why do we women do this to ourselves? I have pondered this question my entire life. It is the "great" question (one friend will find this hysterical) of my life, and I do not have an answer yet. Although I feel I am getting closer to the answer.

I tried to get along with other girls. I even acted like I liked other girls. I was friendly to them, and I wanted them to like me. But I think in my heart of hearts, I was hoping something awful would befall them, so I could be raised up a notch. My worst nightmare was realized when I became the least popular and least liked girl at my school, the school I went to all my life. It was a private school, a Christian school. It was supposed to teach us good morals. Sure it taught me that, but I learned nothing of how to navigate relationships. And to add insult to injury, the boys thought I had cooties, and would run away. Forget about having a boyfriend, much less any boy caring about me as a friend.

By the time high school hit, I decided to join the cross country team, and run my way to being thin and beautiful. Well, after 2 years of that, it worked, and by the time I was 16, I was what I considered, the most beautiful girl in school, even if no one else knew it. I had friends galore, mostly girls, and I knew I was the prettiest one in the bunch. I knew secretly they were all jealous of me, cause I was fun and had a great personality. I was finally beginning to shine and be my fun loving self for the first time ever. But I was still exceedingly vain, and very selfish. I still wanted to stay on top, and any girl who thought she was prettier than me, I wanted to show her how she was wrong. I wanted her to know that I was the prettiest.

As if the tables had turned enough already, my mom insisted that I had the perfect figure. She constantly told me how beautiful I was and how I had the perfect shape, an hourglass. I didn't see it, but when do we ever see ourselves clearly? I had a 24" waist, but couldn't have been more miserable in my own skin. I thought I was still too fat, even though you could actually see my ribs even when I didn't suck in my stomach. My dad even told me I was too thin now. As I side comment, men, never comment on a women's weight. It is rude and makes her uncomfortable.

I did not think of food as something to nourish the body, but as something that would either make me beautiful or ugly, depending on how much I ate. I began to hate women less, but I still didn't like myself that much, even though men began to notice me after I got out of high school. Now I had the opposite problem. The guys wouldn't stay away from me, and I found myself constantly surrounded with friends. I finally felt like one of the popular kids, and I could fit into cute clothes. I finally began to believe the truth. I was cute... I was beautiful. People liked me. But the nagging question was this. Did they love me for me, or did they just want to be around me cause of the way I looked?

I am not going to tell you how this story ends, cause it is far from over. I have hinted at the detours I have taken along the way. But I am trying to point out the fundamental problem here. We women are jealous. I have heard Jerry say that he thinks women are good at heart. He has told me that I am the pure in heart. I am beginning to have to say, Jerry, maybe you are wrong. Yes, you could actually be wrong about something. I will try not to take much more of you all's time. Let it suffice to say that whether you be a man or a woman, you must examine your own heart. Let God search your heart, and show you what lies within. Only then can you truly be set free from the bondage of sin and death. I hope this inspires some of you. This is just my perspective. It is not meant to be taken any other way. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander