Soul Searching

I want to be honest with all of you. I want to say something profound, and witty, and something that gets you thinking, and makes you laugh all at the same time. I want to erase stigma of every kind off the face of the planet. I want to say so many things that I find myself being paralyzed, and I don't write anything. Please don't take my silence for a lack of thinking. It never means that. Actually it means too much thinking. I want to write about soul mates, and about things I barely understand but feel very passionate about. In other words, I have been doing lots of soul searching, as I have always done.

It's a funny thing to realize what all this soul searching has produced. I have come to realize that I do not wish anyone ill will, and I wish everyone to have a happy ending. EVERYONE. Does that mean I don't believe in justice, or that someone should not be punished for some evil act they have done? Well, no, I still believe a person should answer for their actions. But I believe when all is said and done, there should be no more suffering and pain for anyone. For you see, I believe it is our pain and suffering that drives us to do bad things, and to hurt other people. Perhaps fear is to blame as well. If these things were gone though, and we knew that we were loved unconditionally, we wouldn't hurt each other anymore.

Let's look at one being in particular. You may be surprised at the one I choose to discuss here. But since I believe there is hope for everyone, I am going to play devil's advocate, quite literally. I have been known to joke with my friend Jerry that I want to "save the devil". But in all seriousness, I'm not joking. And I know how the Bible ends, with him being cast into a burning lake of fire with no hope of escape, and its for all of eternity. But excuse me for holding out a little hope that maybe that's not the whole story, and maybe there's more to be told then just the abrupt way the story ends. Maybe the Bible ends that way cause it knew Christians would be in an uproar if the villain didn't get his just desserts, as it were.

Why do I even care? Shouldn't I hate the devil, who is harassing me by the way in ways that I don't care to go in to? After all, he is the ultimate enemy of the human race, and God, right? Why should I have any pity on him? I mean it's one thing to not want a single human being to suffer an eternity in hell fire, burning for all of eternity. They, after all have intrinsic value. They were created in the image of God. Satan, Lucifer, the devil... he is just pond scum because of.... why? Follow your reasoning to it's logical conclusion. It doesn't flow, and it doesn't make any sense. If I may, I am going to tell you it's crap. He is a created angelic being, the most beautiful of all the host, and he led the other angels in praising the Lord. So he was very musically talented. Still think he deserves an eternity in hell?

Sigh... I am probably pleading a useless case. But my heart breaks for this most despised entity. I can't even begin to explain all the reasons why. It's actually personal for me. But forget that. I know I can never make a case for why the devil should have a chance at redemption. But at least let me have the chance to show you a different path, one where every one has a happy ending. Yes, even the devil. Don't get me wrong. I'm no devil worshiper. I'm just someone who sees something wrong, and I want it fixed, perhaps more than most. Actually, I'm probably the only one who wants it fixed. Still, I will plead my case.

You see, I have this belief that when Jesus died on the cross and said "It is finished", that's exactly what He meant. I believe we are all going to make it to heaven some day, or to our own personal paradise. I know that's radical thinking, But I think Jesus won the day, and accomplished what He set out to do. Otherwise, what else is His sacrifice for? Just to save a select few who believe in a certain religion in this life? Oh, and not just that, but a select sect of that religion? I don't buy that.

So if it's true that Jesus saved everyone, why not the devil too? Do you really think Jesus doesn't love the devil, even if the devil hates Him? God created the devil, back when he was still an angel, and God loves all of His creation, even the fallen parts of it. And God is all about restoring that which is fallen. I truly believe that. So I think it's possible that some day, the devil may be restored. It  hurts my soul to think otherwise.

Why does it hurt my soul to think the devil will never be restored? Don't I have more important things to worry about? Well, sure I'm living my life and doing other things. But it just seems to me that as long as there is one fallen being out there, then things haven't been completely restored. Perhaps I'm the only one who thinks that, but something tells me there might be One other who agrees with me. Just a hunch. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

 

Ten

What is your ten? I guess you don't know what I mean because I haven't give you a reference point. What I mean is, is there a pain so great that you have felt that you would give it a ten, based on a one to ten scale? I know I have. Granted this post is inspired by a movie I just watched, but it does not diminish its value. I will just say that in this movie, there is a loss of a relationship to this girl of someone she loves to cancer. She labels this pain as a "ten", the greatest pain she has ever felt. And I can relate, on so many levels.

But let's just pick one of those levels. I once lost a relationship very near and dear to me. But not to something like death, but just as permanent. It was his choice to walk away that separated us. And no, he was not my family. He wasn't even my boyfriend. But in the short time I have lived on this earth, him leaving me was my ten, and has since been the standard by which I judge every other pain.

Words are not enough to express pain like that. You may criticize me all day long and say things like I lost myself, and I should not have let myself be so consumed with someone like that, or build my world around someone else. Perhaps this is all true. In the end, all I really want from you is compassion and understanding, because only I know why I went there, and I don't think I was wrong. I would do it again. Also, I think it's why I so related to the Twilight stories. Because Bella did go there. She loved someone so much that she didn't know what to do without him, and she felt like there was a hole in her chest when he was out of her life. I understood her, and I knew EXACTLY how she felt. But I read reviews by women and critics of the story who thought she was a shallow character, and were upset that the author hadn't written her as strong and independent. In Bella's and my defense, all I will say is that I believe our strength comes from how much we love, and I think it gives us great depth. It also brings great pain.

Believe me when I say I didn't know someone could feel that much pain and still be alive. I have no words to truly describe the depths of sorrow I went to. The loss was so great to me because I loved him so completely. Most people just thought I was making a bigger deal out of him walking away and that I had bigger problems to deal with. The problem was, I couldn't see myself living in a world without him. I didn't want to. I didn't care about anything else. I once told a friend that it would be hell on earth without him. And it was. It really was.

Since then, my fractured heart has slowly come together again. I don't believe he ever meant to hurt me so completely. But it can't be undone. My heart will always be a little crooked. I have hope that I can give that crooked heart to someone new in the future. But the past is what it is.

I don't know if it is possible for me to go through this same level ten pain again. I have tried to protect myself against it. But the moment you open yourself up to loving someone, you are at risk of feeling the pain of losing them. And the more you love them, the more intensely you will feel the pain of that loss. I have made the decision to not shut myself off from loving others, so yes, I think I am at great risk of feeling a level ten pain again should I lose someone I greatly love. But at least the next time it won't feel like I got hit by a two by four.

I know it may sound odd, but I am grateful for the pains of the past. I think they have prepared me for the storms of the future. What will you do to prepare yourself for the great storms of life? Chances are, they are coming for all of us, whether we like it or not. Pain is not respecter or persons. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is surround ourselves with supportive, loving people who will be there for us, and who we can be there for in times of need. Everything else will fade away. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Friendship

I am privileged, it seems, to have a small handful of friends that I could say anything to, and they would still be my friend. By anything, I don't mean that I could go all ballistic on them, and say I hate them, and be mean to them. Although sometimes I even wonder about that. But I'm not going to try it. What I do mean is speaking my thoughts about things. I know this because I have done it, and to my surprise, they continue to stick around. So I guess I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself in the friend department, because I am blessed and lucky to have good friends.

I have recently been asked by one of these good friends of mine, why is it so difficult as adults to make and maintain friendships. I told her I did not know, but that's only because I didn't give it much thought. So I decided to think about it some more. And here are my conclusions. You see friendship of any kind takes work. It's obvious to say that work and family crowds out friendship. But we make time for the things we care about. I can usually tell how important I am to somebody if they will at least once in awhile make time for me.

We think we are so sophisticated as adults. We think that because now we put away childish things and ideas, we are so mature. I think we are all the same children in adult bodies and the only thing we did was trade in the belief in the magical for the idea that everything is ordinary and mundane. We traded in fantasy for "reality". Does that really appeal to you? Does that really sound like an upgrade to you? It feels like a trap to me, and a definite downgrade. I have a point and I will tie this all together. In fact, I would like go more in depth in another post into the world of children vs. the world of adults. But for the purposes of this post, let me say, I don't think we were meant to be mundane, whether as adults or children. It's why we escape in movies and books. They speak to us. We want to go on those adventures, if only in our minds. The heart wishes it was brave enough to be those people who do those things.

And that is how we used to relate to our friends as children. We would play pretend, and it was easy. How often do you remember talking about heavy topics with your friends as children? I hardly ever did. We were always laughing, or swimming, or having fun. Now as an adult, I alternate between talking about really deep topics, which I find I really enjoy, or playing games, or watching movies. The games and movies are just ways of playing pretend. So you see, I haven't grown up all the way at all. Playing pretend is still part of the glue that keeps my relationships together, although it may not be the only part. Because as much as I like to discuss really deep things, I think my friends can only take so much.

So to tie this all up, I would just like to say, you may be all grown up, but remember to be a kid at heart, and don't lose sight of the magic life has to offer. It may be hidden, but it's there if you look for it. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

The Edge

I am struggling now between being honest with all of you, versus continuing to hide behind a mask. Some of you may say I have been too open and honest. I would contend I have not been honest enough. But the truth is, it appears that I cannot truly be honest with people without pushing them away. Those I thought I could trust seem to be avoiding me now. I am too much to handle, and not enough, all at the same time. I often wonder if I will ever truly find a kindred spirit out there. I know I am not alone in this desire. I have heard this longing to bare ones soul, ones true soul, and to not be abandoned afterward, voiced many times. And yet when put into practice, it seems we as humans fall so short of being friends through "thick and thin". We are only friends when it suits us. I am reminded of a few lyrics from a song by a group called Mercy Me from the song "Beautiful". This is how it goes:

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much"


So I wonder if I have shown too much of my heart when friends start to abandon me. There is a temptation to shrink back in fear and to stop sharing. This temptation is great. Perhaps it is all about timing. One needs to know when it is appropriate to share certain things and when to keep your mouth shut. You may also need to know who is safe to share with and who is not. But in the end, I know we all long for at least one person who we can share all of ourselves with who won't turn away from us.

My words alone are not enough to express both what I feel and what I think. I wish I could open up my brain, and you could just look into my thoughts. Since this is impossible, I will just have to use my words to express something that is almost inexpressible. Not to harp on the issue, but if you know anything about a bipolar diagnosis, then you know that it is typical for someone with this diagnosis to have racing thoughts. That certainly is true of me. Sometimes it is difficult to latch onto any singular thought, I have so many going through my head at any given time. It does help to write things down, to keep myself focused and remember things.

Also, because of all the thoughts I have, I don't think my brain works like most everyone else's does. I either have a really active imagination, and an eye for the fantastical, or I truly am making real connections that other people simply aren't making yet. Some people have made some of the connections, and have even helped me in making my own connections. But if I were to tell you, really tell you what I really thought about things, I think your mind would be blown, and you would walk away thinking I was very strange. Maybe some day I will write a story and tell everyone my thoughts in fantasy form, cause that's what it looks like. I can't prove any of it, but I feel in my heart that I am on to something. Science would never accept my theories. I think all religions would shun me and tell me to get out. Schools would never teach anything I have to say. Politics.... well don't even go there. So what is the point of connecting the dots and showing them to other people if I'm the only one who sees them and everyone else thinks I'm crazy? It's a very lonely place to be, and is it worth it? The resounding answer: I don't know.

Here's what I know. There are two things I want in this life. OK, maybe three. I want love, understanding, and truth. That's it. That's what all this boils down to for me. That's what it always has boiled down to for me. Nothing else matters. Everything else is a means to these ends. Right now my quest for truth is trumping my need for love and understanding. But I don't really want to give on anything. My life is out of alignment, and I'm afraid sometimes it may push me over the edge. If I stop my quest for truth, and stop speaking what I find in the name of being understood and having someone love me, well that would be false love and understanding, and my life would still be out of alignment. I need to be myself and have someone fall in love with that person. So there is no real compromising for me.

I wonder, how brave are you? I will leave you with a challenge this time, and ask you, are you willing to take the mask down? Are you willing to share your real self with someone? It's a huge risk, but you may be pleasantly surprised. And it's the only way to know if you have found a real friend or not. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Loss

I have experienced loss so many times and in so many ways, I am losing track. It almost makes me want to stay numb emotionally, and feel nothing. Almost. But that numb feeling scares me even more than feeling the pain of tremendous loss. I have felt both, and I would always choose the pain. I guess because when I felt numb, I felt dead inside, and that freaked me out.

However, this does not mean I welcome loss, and the pain it brings into my life. If I had it my way, I would not have lost one single thing over the years. Not my favorite stuffed animal, Papa Bear, and certainly not any friendships. But then I wonder if I would ever learn to value the friends that do stick around?

Here's the harsh truth of the matter: we don't get to keep anything in this life except our very souls. In the end, it will all be gone, and the only thing that will matter is how you impacted those around you. I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone else. I don't intend this blog to be a pedestal for me to be high and mighty and tell all of you how to change, and not change myself.

If the truth be known, I am dealing with some heavy stuff. I can't divulge the details as I'm not the only one involved. My true feelings about the matter are still a mystery to me. But I know this. I am conflicted. On the one hand, I feel like I am carrying a heavy burden every day. There is no such thing as the "Good ol' days", but I wish things could go back to some kind of normal.

On the other hand, I feel angry, because I feel like I have to pretend to be strong, when the strength I have is tenuous at best. And if I hate anything, it is putting on a show, and being something I am not, even though I have been pretending my whole life, just to keep the peace. What I really feel is like crumbling, and asking why is no one there to catch me, and why doesn't anyone save me from all this loss? But I could not cry loud enough for anyone to care. Everyone is too busy trying to drown out the noise of their own losses.

So what's to be done? Well, I'm not going to preach a sermon to you. I will say this though. Since Jesus isn't introducing Himself personally to each of us in a physical way, maybe God's plan of redemption and redeeming that which is lost is by using you and me, reaching out to each other. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

What's Next?

I have been asked to write a post about what is next for me. Well aside from the typical answers of trying to find a job, and trying to find that golden relationship, two things I have no real control over, the only honest thing I can is that I don't know what is next for me. Do you really know what is next for you? That is not what was meant by the question, I know. I will attempt to answer it later. But one day you can have your whole life planned out for you, and then your country can go to war with another country, and all your plans mean nothing. I am being extreme for a reason. What I thought I knew about my life and my world even two weeks ago is not the same as this week. And who knows what life will be like for me tomorrow?

Sometimes life doesn't change at all from day to day. And some days it changes drastically, and you know it is one of those days where your life is over as you knew it, and you have to move forward with a new life, whether you want to or not. You never really know when a day like that is going to happen.

Perhaps you are wondering why I haven't written in so long. The answer is simple. My thoughts have been scattered and dark, and I have not felt them worthy to share with anyone. I have tried many times to write, but nothing satisfied me.

And so I come to you all now with the truth. I am angry with the hand I have been dealt in life. Is it ok to say that? No one but me can make peace with that. For all my talks about the benefits of pain, I wish it would leave me the hell alone. I have learned its many lessons. I don't need to learn anymore. But it seems to torture me endlessly.

This is not all I am angry about. I feel the dark chasm of loneliness stretching out before me. And I realize how deeply I have been misunderstood. Not by everyone. But by a few I care very much about. And that makes me alone. Perhaps that chasm will never be bridged. Perhaps it can't be. And again, I am angry for a girl who will never grow up, but is demanded to act like an adult. And I want to hug that girl and stand in the gap for her. Because I am that girl. And I am reminded that no one will save that girl from monsters, but me. There is no knight on a white horse, or anyone else coming to rescue her. I must stand in the gap.

I am angry for the losses I have and will suffer. About all I can say good for loss is that it makes a person more understanding and not so judgmental. But I do stand in judgement of evil and there are some things I cannot forget. There are some things that need to be taken seriously. It is not unforgiveness to demand the repentence of another person for a crime they have committed against you. That is called justice. If they will not repent, then let it be on their head. But the relationship will be severed.

I know it seems I have gotten off topic. After all, this post started with the question, what is next for me? Well, I thought I would address the past and present first before I move on to what is next. I have a very difficult road ahead from what I can see. It looks to be painful, and full of loss. It is not the path I would have chosen for myself, but neither is the one I have already traveled. So as far as real plans go, I don't have too many too far ahead. I'm taking it one day at a time.

All of this thinking about what's next begs the question: is there a reason for everything? Two of my friends think not, and they have swayed me to their thinking. So what did the Bible mean when it said that all things work together for good for those who love God? That's found in Romans 8:28. I started my whole blog off by what I thought this verse meant. Should I adjust my thinking? I still love God so all things should be working for my good, even the crappy stuff. We just might not see the good immediately.

So what do I mean there isn't a reason for everything? That flies in the face of this verse, doesn't it? No, I think not. There is no reason to abuse a little girl. God does not ordain that. But God may use her life to minister to others because of what she has been through. And even if this isn't the reason, she may find enlightenment through the pain, making it all worth it. One never knows. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

By: Crystal Nylander

Should You Love the One Your With?

Today's reflection has brought me to the topic of love. There are many kinds of love out there. There is love of family, love you might have for your friends, and of course the love you experience for a pet. There is the ultimate love that is unconditional love. But the kind of love I would like to focus on today is romantic love.

Specifically, I would like to talk about the idea of loving the one you are with. First of all, is this a good idea, and is it even possible? I am going to suggest to you that, even though there is a song with these very lyrics in them, that loving the one you're with is never a good idea, unless you are with the one you love. I would go further, and say it's not possible to just randomly love any person you just so happen to be with, just because they are there. Here is why.

I may be with guy A that I am not interested in at all, however we randomly end up spending a lot of time together. In the mean time, guy B, who I spend only a little bit of time with, and I am not with right now, I do like, and even love. Now, I could put on an outward show of love to guy A, but the whole time I would be loving guy B in my mind. You see, it doesn't matter how much time I spend with either guy. I still love guy B, even though I spent less time with him than guy A.

It is unfair for me to put on a show of love towards one guy when I really love someone else. That is why loving the one you are with doesn't work. You can maybe fool everyone else into thinking that you love someone just because you are with them. But you can't lie to yourself forever. And eventually you will leave them because they drive you crazy.

I have never been one to settle for anyone I didn't truly love. This has been perhaps a downfall of mine and has kept me out of having lots of relationships. Some might say my standards are too high. Perhaps this is all true. But at least I will be able to say when I do find that right guy, that I am not just loving the one I am with. I will be able to look at him and say that I am with him because he is the one I love. I hope he can say the same about me. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander