Loss

I have experienced loss so many times and in so many ways, I am losing track. It almost makes me want to stay numb emotionally, and feel nothing. Almost. But that numb feeling scares me even more than feeling the pain of tremendous loss. I have felt both, and I would always choose the pain. I guess because when I felt numb, I felt dead inside, and that freaked me out.

However, this does not mean I welcome loss, and the pain it brings into my life. If I had it my way, I would not have lost one single thing over the years. Not my favorite stuffed animal, Papa Bear, and certainly not any friendships. But then I wonder if I would ever learn to value the friends that do stick around?

Here's the harsh truth of the matter: we don't get to keep anything in this life except our very souls. In the end, it will all be gone, and the only thing that will matter is how you impacted those around you. I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone else. I don't intend this blog to be a pedestal for me to be high and mighty and tell all of you how to change, and not change myself.

If the truth be known, I am dealing with some heavy stuff. I can't divulge the details as I'm not the only one involved. My true feelings about the matter are still a mystery to me. But I know this. I am conflicted. On the one hand, I feel like I am carrying a heavy burden every day. There is no such thing as the "Good ol' days", but I wish things could go back to some kind of normal.

On the other hand, I feel angry, because I feel like I have to pretend to be strong, when the strength I have is tenuous at best. And if I hate anything, it is putting on a show, and being something I am not, even though I have been pretending my whole life, just to keep the peace. What I really feel is like crumbling, and asking why is no one there to catch me, and why doesn't anyone save me from all this loss? But I could not cry loud enough for anyone to care. Everyone is too busy trying to drown out the noise of their own losses.

So what's to be done? Well, I'm not going to preach a sermon to you. I will say this though. Since Jesus isn't introducing Himself personally to each of us in a physical way, maybe God's plan of redemption and redeeming that which is lost is by using you and me, reaching out to each other. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander