Ten

What is your ten? I guess you don't know what I mean because I haven't give you a reference point. What I mean is, is there a pain so great that you have felt that you would give it a ten, based on a one to ten scale? I know I have. Granted this post is inspired by a movie I just watched, but it does not diminish its value. I will just say that in this movie, there is a loss of a relationship to this girl of someone she loves to cancer. She labels this pain as a "ten", the greatest pain she has ever felt. And I can relate, on so many levels.

But let's just pick one of those levels. I once lost a relationship very near and dear to me. But not to something like death, but just as permanent. It was his choice to walk away that separated us. And no, he was not my family. He wasn't even my boyfriend. But in the short time I have lived on this earth, him leaving me was my ten, and has since been the standard by which I judge every other pain.

Words are not enough to express pain like that. You may criticize me all day long and say things like I lost myself, and I should not have let myself be so consumed with someone like that, or build my world around someone else. Perhaps this is all true. In the end, all I really want from you is compassion and understanding, because only I know why I went there, and I don't think I was wrong. I would do it again. Also, I think it's why I so related to the Twilight stories. Because Bella did go there. She loved someone so much that she didn't know what to do without him, and she felt like there was a hole in her chest when he was out of her life. I understood her, and I knew EXACTLY how she felt. But I read reviews by women and critics of the story who thought she was a shallow character, and were upset that the author hadn't written her as strong and independent. In Bella's and my defense, all I will say is that I believe our strength comes from how much we love, and I think it gives us great depth. It also brings great pain.

Believe me when I say I didn't know someone could feel that much pain and still be alive. I have no words to truly describe the depths of sorrow I went to. The loss was so great to me because I loved him so completely. Most people just thought I was making a bigger deal out of him walking away and that I had bigger problems to deal with. The problem was, I couldn't see myself living in a world without him. I didn't want to. I didn't care about anything else. I once told a friend that it would be hell on earth without him. And it was. It really was.

Since then, my fractured heart has slowly come together again. I don't believe he ever meant to hurt me so completely. But it can't be undone. My heart will always be a little crooked. I have hope that I can give that crooked heart to someone new in the future. But the past is what it is.

I don't know if it is possible for me to go through this same level ten pain again. I have tried to protect myself against it. But the moment you open yourself up to loving someone, you are at risk of feeling the pain of losing them. And the more you love them, the more intensely you will feel the pain of that loss. I have made the decision to not shut myself off from loving others, so yes, I think I am at great risk of feeling a level ten pain again should I lose someone I greatly love. But at least the next time it won't feel like I got hit by a two by four.

I know it may sound odd, but I am grateful for the pains of the past. I think they have prepared me for the storms of the future. What will you do to prepare yourself for the great storms of life? Chances are, they are coming for all of us, whether we like it or not. Pain is not respecter or persons. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is surround ourselves with supportive, loving people who will be there for us, and who we can be there for in times of need. Everything else will fade away. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander