The Edge

I am struggling now between being honest with all of you, versus continuing to hide behind a mask. Some of you may say I have been too open and honest. I would contend I have not been honest enough. But the truth is, it appears that I cannot truly be honest with people without pushing them away. Those I thought I could trust seem to be avoiding me now. I am too much to handle, and not enough, all at the same time. I often wonder if I will ever truly find a kindred spirit out there. I know I am not alone in this desire. I have heard this longing to bare ones soul, ones true soul, and to not be abandoned afterward, voiced many times. And yet when put into practice, it seems we as humans fall so short of being friends through "thick and thin". We are only friends when it suits us. I am reminded of a few lyrics from a song by a group called Mercy Me from the song "Beautiful". This is how it goes:

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much"


So I wonder if I have shown too much of my heart when friends start to abandon me. There is a temptation to shrink back in fear and to stop sharing. This temptation is great. Perhaps it is all about timing. One needs to know when it is appropriate to share certain things and when to keep your mouth shut. You may also need to know who is safe to share with and who is not. But in the end, I know we all long for at least one person who we can share all of ourselves with who won't turn away from us.

My words alone are not enough to express both what I feel and what I think. I wish I could open up my brain, and you could just look into my thoughts. Since this is impossible, I will just have to use my words to express something that is almost inexpressible. Not to harp on the issue, but if you know anything about a bipolar diagnosis, then you know that it is typical for someone with this diagnosis to have racing thoughts. That certainly is true of me. Sometimes it is difficult to latch onto any singular thought, I have so many going through my head at any given time. It does help to write things down, to keep myself focused and remember things.

Also, because of all the thoughts I have, I don't think my brain works like most everyone else's does. I either have a really active imagination, and an eye for the fantastical, or I truly am making real connections that other people simply aren't making yet. Some people have made some of the connections, and have even helped me in making my own connections. But if I were to tell you, really tell you what I really thought about things, I think your mind would be blown, and you would walk away thinking I was very strange. Maybe some day I will write a story and tell everyone my thoughts in fantasy form, cause that's what it looks like. I can't prove any of it, but I feel in my heart that I am on to something. Science would never accept my theories. I think all religions would shun me and tell me to get out. Schools would never teach anything I have to say. Politics.... well don't even go there. So what is the point of connecting the dots and showing them to other people if I'm the only one who sees them and everyone else thinks I'm crazy? It's a very lonely place to be, and is it worth it? The resounding answer: I don't know.

Here's what I know. There are two things I want in this life. OK, maybe three. I want love, understanding, and truth. That's it. That's what all this boils down to for me. That's what it always has boiled down to for me. Nothing else matters. Everything else is a means to these ends. Right now my quest for truth is trumping my need for love and understanding. But I don't really want to give on anything. My life is out of alignment, and I'm afraid sometimes it may push me over the edge. If I stop my quest for truth, and stop speaking what I find in the name of being understood and having someone love me, well that would be false love and understanding, and my life would still be out of alignment. I need to be myself and have someone fall in love with that person. So there is no real compromising for me.

I wonder, how brave are you? I will leave you with a challenge this time, and ask you, are you willing to take the mask down? Are you willing to share your real self with someone? It's a huge risk, but you may be pleasantly surprised. And it's the only way to know if you have found a real friend or not. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Loss

I have experienced loss so many times and in so many ways, I am losing track. It almost makes me want to stay numb emotionally, and feel nothing. Almost. But that numb feeling scares me even more than feeling the pain of tremendous loss. I have felt both, and I would always choose the pain. I guess because when I felt numb, I felt dead inside, and that freaked me out.

However, this does not mean I welcome loss, and the pain it brings into my life. If I had it my way, I would not have lost one single thing over the years. Not my favorite stuffed animal, Papa Bear, and certainly not any friendships. But then I wonder if I would ever learn to value the friends that do stick around?

Here's the harsh truth of the matter: we don't get to keep anything in this life except our very souls. In the end, it will all be gone, and the only thing that will matter is how you impacted those around you. I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone else. I don't intend this blog to be a pedestal for me to be high and mighty and tell all of you how to change, and not change myself.

If the truth be known, I am dealing with some heavy stuff. I can't divulge the details as I'm not the only one involved. My true feelings about the matter are still a mystery to me. But I know this. I am conflicted. On the one hand, I feel like I am carrying a heavy burden every day. There is no such thing as the "Good ol' days", but I wish things could go back to some kind of normal.

On the other hand, I feel angry, because I feel like I have to pretend to be strong, when the strength I have is tenuous at best. And if I hate anything, it is putting on a show, and being something I am not, even though I have been pretending my whole life, just to keep the peace. What I really feel is like crumbling, and asking why is no one there to catch me, and why doesn't anyone save me from all this loss? But I could not cry loud enough for anyone to care. Everyone is too busy trying to drown out the noise of their own losses.

So what's to be done? Well, I'm not going to preach a sermon to you. I will say this though. Since Jesus isn't introducing Himself personally to each of us in a physical way, maybe God's plan of redemption and redeeming that which is lost is by using you and me, reaching out to each other. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

What's Next?

I have been asked to write a post about what is next for me. Well aside from the typical answers of trying to find a job, and trying to find that golden relationship, two things I have no real control over, the only honest thing I can is that I don't know what is next for me. Do you really know what is next for you? That is not what was meant by the question, I know. I will attempt to answer it later. But one day you can have your whole life planned out for you, and then your country can go to war with another country, and all your plans mean nothing. I am being extreme for a reason. What I thought I knew about my life and my world even two weeks ago is not the same as this week. And who knows what life will be like for me tomorrow?

Sometimes life doesn't change at all from day to day. And some days it changes drastically, and you know it is one of those days where your life is over as you knew it, and you have to move forward with a new life, whether you want to or not. You never really know when a day like that is going to happen.

Perhaps you are wondering why I haven't written in so long. The answer is simple. My thoughts have been scattered and dark, and I have not felt them worthy to share with anyone. I have tried many times to write, but nothing satisfied me.

And so I come to you all now with the truth. I am angry with the hand I have been dealt in life. Is it ok to say that? No one but me can make peace with that. For all my talks about the benefits of pain, I wish it would leave me the hell alone. I have learned its many lessons. I don't need to learn anymore. But it seems to torture me endlessly.

This is not all I am angry about. I feel the dark chasm of loneliness stretching out before me. And I realize how deeply I have been misunderstood. Not by everyone. But by a few I care very much about. And that makes me alone. Perhaps that chasm will never be bridged. Perhaps it can't be. And again, I am angry for a girl who will never grow up, but is demanded to act like an adult. And I want to hug that girl and stand in the gap for her. Because I am that girl. And I am reminded that no one will save that girl from monsters, but me. There is no knight on a white horse, or anyone else coming to rescue her. I must stand in the gap.

I am angry for the losses I have and will suffer. About all I can say good for loss is that it makes a person more understanding and not so judgmental. But I do stand in judgement of evil and there are some things I cannot forget. There are some things that need to be taken seriously. It is not unforgiveness to demand the repentence of another person for a crime they have committed against you. That is called justice. If they will not repent, then let it be on their head. But the relationship will be severed.

I know it seems I have gotten off topic. After all, this post started with the question, what is next for me? Well, I thought I would address the past and present first before I move on to what is next. I have a very difficult road ahead from what I can see. It looks to be painful, and full of loss. It is not the path I would have chosen for myself, but neither is the one I have already traveled. So as far as real plans go, I don't have too many too far ahead. I'm taking it one day at a time.

All of this thinking about what's next begs the question: is there a reason for everything? Two of my friends think not, and they have swayed me to their thinking. So what did the Bible mean when it said that all things work together for good for those who love God? That's found in Romans 8:28. I started my whole blog off by what I thought this verse meant. Should I adjust my thinking? I still love God so all things should be working for my good, even the crappy stuff. We just might not see the good immediately.

So what do I mean there isn't a reason for everything? That flies in the face of this verse, doesn't it? No, I think not. There is no reason to abuse a little girl. God does not ordain that. But God may use her life to minister to others because of what she has been through. And even if this isn't the reason, she may find enlightenment through the pain, making it all worth it. One never knows. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

By: Crystal Nylander

Should You Love the One Your With?

Today's reflection has brought me to the topic of love. There are many kinds of love out there. There is love of family, love you might have for your friends, and of course the love you experience for a pet. There is the ultimate love that is unconditional love. But the kind of love I would like to focus on today is romantic love.

Specifically, I would like to talk about the idea of loving the one you are with. First of all, is this a good idea, and is it even possible? I am going to suggest to you that, even though there is a song with these very lyrics in them, that loving the one you're with is never a good idea, unless you are with the one you love. I would go further, and say it's not possible to just randomly love any person you just so happen to be with, just because they are there. Here is why.

I may be with guy A that I am not interested in at all, however we randomly end up spending a lot of time together. In the mean time, guy B, who I spend only a little bit of time with, and I am not with right now, I do like, and even love. Now, I could put on an outward show of love to guy A, but the whole time I would be loving guy B in my mind. You see, it doesn't matter how much time I spend with either guy. I still love guy B, even though I spent less time with him than guy A.

It is unfair for me to put on a show of love towards one guy when I really love someone else. That is why loving the one you are with doesn't work. You can maybe fool everyone else into thinking that you love someone just because you are with them. But you can't lie to yourself forever. And eventually you will leave them because they drive you crazy.

I have never been one to settle for anyone I didn't truly love. This has been perhaps a downfall of mine and has kept me out of having lots of relationships. Some might say my standards are too high. Perhaps this is all true. But at least I will be able to say when I do find that right guy, that I am not just loving the one I am with. I will be able to look at him and say that I am with him because he is the one I love. I hope he can say the same about me. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Fear

What should we do with fear? I am probably not a good person to listen to about this, because I rarely deal with my fear in a constructive manner. I am more of a flight, rather than fight type when it comes to dealing with fear. Or in the case of things I am dealing with right now, I am avoiding them altogether. And the situations are not going away, they are probably only going to get worse. Sigh. You would think I would learn from my past. And after all, haven't I said that pain is not the enemy? But fear is another thing all together. When we pay attention to fear, it can have an almost paralyzing effect. Or, in the case of some people, we can become the worst parts of ourselves, till we are belligerent because we think we have to fight to get what we want, or to get away from the thing that is causing us the fear.

In my world, there are many apparent things to fear. Fear of the lack of money, which could lead to the lack of food. Fear of an unknown future. Fear of the government collapsing. Fear of people yelling at me. I could think of many things to fear. Some things that I may fear may seem rather small to you and you may not fear them at all. Everyone is different, because we all have different upbringings and beliefs about life. No 2 of us are alike. Yes, I know I am stating the obvious. The point is, we need to have sympathy for other people's fears, no matter how strange or unreasonable they may seem. We don't know what brought them to point of fearing that thing or person, whatever the case may be.

Having said that, fear, as opposed to pain, is not your friend. It will not teach you anything. Well, it may teach you how to be brave and overcome your fear. However, it is good to have a healthy dose of fear of certain things, because what you don't know can kill you. But too much fear will not lead to anything good. I suppose if I was listening to myself right now, I would just stand up to that person who is intimidating me right now. Or I would just go out be able to get any job I wanted, because I would exude charisma and confidence. Or I would no longer let the past haunt me, and I would wake up every day anew. The point is, I am not the spokesperson for overcoming fear. But it seems to be on my mind a lot right now, so I thought I would talk about it. Just looking at my thoughts makes me feel a little more clear headed and a little better about everything, even though it doesn't change anything. Anyway, these are just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Recent Events

Perhaps it is fitting that I haven't written a blog post over the Summer months. Just as the rain has been lacking, I have not been inspired to write these past 6 or so months. But 2 events have happened that seem to be God's way of screaming to get my attention again as though I have been sleeping. Or maybe Satan is trying to show his muscle, and God has provided a way of escape. Maybe it's both.  Either way, I am trying to wake up, and see the world through God's eyes in all its crazy beauty.

Let me just tell you what happened in August and September and culminated in October. I have been looking for a job ever since I graduated from Northern Virginia Community College in December of 2012. Well I had an interview about the 3rd week in August at the Holiday Inn in Leesburg, VA for the Hobby Lobby that was scheduled to open in September in Leesburg, VA. At this interview, they hired me right on the spot, which seemed unusual, but I wasn't about to say no after all the looking I had done, and having no luck.

So I started working for Hobby Lobby a week after the interview at the end of August. Boy, I didn't know what I was getting into! I knew the store had to be set up, but I don't believe I have ever worked a more hectic schedule in my life. But miracles do happen, and 3 weeks later, a brand new Hobby Lobby was open, complete with product and everything.

Well, I'm starting to get nervous about my job because they haven't trained me to do anything. Basically all I have learned is how to open the store, now how to keep it going. So I am suspecting that they might want to get rid of me.

About a week after the store opens, I get into a bad car accident. I am on a dirt road driving to my parents house late at night when I look down for a moment, and the next thing I know, I'm running off the road and I hit a tree. It sounds stupid, but it really banged up my car. Well, I am able to still drive the car to my parents house even though I am shook up and the car doesn't look so good. I was completely uninjured.

The next day I had my car towed to a repair shop, and called my insurance. They said aside from my deductible, they would cover the rest of the bill for the repairs on the car.

As it turned out, a week after the accident, my prediction came true, and Hobby Lobby laid me off because they no longer had room for me in the budget. I have other theories as to why they let me got, but I won't go into them right now.

Conveniently enough, the month of work I put in at Hobby Lobby was just about enough to cover the deductible to repair my car with a little extra thrown in. So I have a theory. God knew I was going to have a car accident. He also knew that I couldn't afford the deductible on my disability check. So He provided a job for me through Hobby Lobby just long enough so I could pay the deductible, but not so long I would be miserable. Cool, huh? Oh, and I just got my car back in beautiful condition on October 2nd.

So I can't just look at these events and think it's all coincidence. I believe God has some master plan, He just isn't telling me what it is. Sometimes I think He gives me clues, but then I think I'm going crazy and just having grandiose thoughts. But what if I'm not? What if He is leaving me clues, like bread crumbs? I just have to follow them no matter how absurd it seems to everyone else.

I believe this world is not as it seems. And I believe I have protective spirits or angels all around me to guard against my own foolishness. This car accident is not the first time I have been protected. And its not the first time God has provided for me. So what can I say? God wants to do something with my life. Yet I feel so insignificant. But I feel God is trying to tell me I have immense worth. I can hardly tell you all what I am thinking. I feel you wouldn't believe me if I did, and that you would be mad at me if I did. So right now, I will just keep it to myself. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

Rainbow Heart Part 2

Well here we are again, and I would like to talk about my heart again. It is my heart in color form that I wish to discuss. So this is a whole new set of colors, and we will be working with a whole different spectrum. We got the basic colors last time, the expected spectrum. Now it's time to mix things up a bit and get a little crazy. Well, not exactly crazy, but lets throw in some fun. So let's get started having fun. Are you ready? Well, ready or not, here we go!

Pink - Are you surprised I picked pink first? You shouldn't be. God knows I wear it enough. My room is even painted a particular shade of pink that could be called peach. But everyone knows its really pink in disguise. Let's not kid ourselves. I love the color pink. It makes me happy, and I happen to look really good in pink. If you had to break down the coloring of my skin pallette into a seasonal shade, I most match the season of Spring. So Spring colors look best on me. Don't ask me how that happened, cause my Mom is definitely a Fall color pallette. Anyway, thats your dress for success color scheme lesson for the day. Let's get back to talking about pink and what it makes me feel. When I think of pink, I think of unicorns, and My Little Pony, which was my favorite toy as a child, and probably still is my favorite toy today, if I played with toys. Come on, admit it, you wish you still could play with toys too. Anyway, I think of princess's being rescued, and of every fairy tale I have ever heard. It make's me wish upon a star, and hope that my dreams will come true some day. In short, pink is the color of dreams, and makes me feel wistful. I know I am not making this a very spiritual color, but since when do all colors have to have a spiritual meaning behind them? Or maybe pink is more spiritual than we think it is, or than I am giving it credit for. If I look closer at the princess being rescued part, Jesus did say that one day He is coming again for His bride, the church. He is going to rescue her from this world, and there is going to be a fabulous wedding feast. And there you have it. I took pink all the way from unicorns to Jesus marrying the church. Ta-dah! One can only hope that day is sooner rather than later, because this world is getting CRAZY! Ok, enough about pink. Let's check out the next color.

Silver - Silver makes me think of stars. Funny cause pink made me think of wishing upon a star. Anyway, back to silver. There are more stars in the sky than can be counted. And yet God has counted them all, and not only that, He knows them all by name. This astounds me. Cause guess what else the Bible says God does? It tells me that His thoughts towards me are more than the sand on the beaches. So how is God keeping track of all the stars, and thinking all these wonderous thoughts towards me? Amazing, isn't it? And He counts all the hairs on my head, and your head too, and He knows when one falls out. It is comforting to know that He takes such an interest in even the smallest minute detail of my life. So this silver color makes me stand in awe of a God who is so detail oriented that He can keep track of all the matters of the universe, and yet so loving and kind towards me, that He wants to pay attention to the smallest detail of my life. If He pays that much attention to my hair, how much more so when I am floundering in my finances, or my love life is completely going awry? Or how about when my family life is about to bust wide open, or friendships are making me cry? Surely He must care about all of it. That doesn't mean He is a genie in the sky and He is just going to let me rub the magic lamp and now BOOM! He is going to fix everything for me. But it does mean He is working everything for my good. What an amazing loving God we serve. I just love Him so much. How can you not love Him? He just pursues and pursues my heart till all I can do is surrender to Him. Amazing.

Gold - Gold makes me think of crowns and jewels and riches beyond my wildest imaginings. I know precious stones aren't gold, but gold makes me think of them too. And this makes me think of all the blessings that God has to offer. And then I sit and compare the two. And they are not worthy to be compared. I dare you to ask me which would I rather have. All the riches of the world, or all the blessings God wants to bestow on my life? I will just tell you the answer. I will take God's blessings over any riches any day hands down. God knows far better what is best for me than I ever will, and I want Him directing my life, all the way. I learned rather quickly when I landed in the hospital this last time, that what I have been saying in this blog from the beginning is so true. God's way is the only way to go, and He is working everything together for my good. And the simple fact, I have absolutely no control over my life or where it ends up. It is virtuous to have self-control, to be sure. I may be able to control myself to some degree. But even that I am not so sure I have that much control over, except for the grace of God be with me. So God, be with me always, and guide me, please.

Black - Black makes me think of sin and death. I know this is not an uplifting color, but it must be addressed. Black also makes me think of darkness and night, and how most sins are done in the night and in darkness. I guess thats why fear gripped me just before I went into the hospital when I was at my parents house and I looked outside and it was pitch black one night. It was the night before it snowed in Virginia the last time in March, before Easter. I couldn't see the Moon, or any stars, and all there was, was darkness. I knew evil was afoot. I just don't know what it was up to. I still don't know. But one thing is for sure. It was thwarted that night. Jesus has won the victory over sin and death. He won the victory when He died on the cross for our sins, and defeated the grave when he rose from the dead on the 3rd day. Glory to God! That is the good news of the gospel. If you simply believe this, you will be saved, and you can have a relationship with Jesus, and He will come into your heart. Yes, I know. I am always trying to slip the message of the gospel in there somewhere. I can't seem to help it though. It's just such good news, and I have to spread it around!

White - Ah, so now we come to white. White makes me think of purity and cleanness. So now we come back to the topic of purity, what this blog is named for, after all. What more is there to be said about purity? Jesus died to make us pure. Jesus died to blot out sins from the face of the earth. He died to make it so that it would be as if we had never sinned in the first place. So it is the blood of Jesus that washes away our sins and makes us white as snow. It says in the Bible that in God's kingdom, we will be given white robes to wear, representing our new standing as the righteous children of God. What a beautiful picture this is. Jesus has take our place, and dies for us. But everyone gets their reward in the end. Jesus doesn't get nothing for His sacrifice. Do you realize what Jesus gets for dying for us? He gets you and me, in His arms forevermore! That's all He ever wanted. This just amazes me. Do you realize that if you were the only person on this planet that needed saving, Jesus would die for just you? I realized that when I was in the hospital, not to belabor the point that I was in the hospital, but I am trying to make a point. I realized that Jesus died to save just me. Only me. And He succeeded in every way. And now I am so grateful that I want to help Him, in my own way, save everyone else. I know I am only one person. But I can only hope to reach even just one of you. If I do that, I would be wildly successful. I hope I am reaching more than one of you, since you all keep reading my blog =)

Brown - Have you ever mixed a whole bunch of colors together? Usually you end up getting some form of brown. Which is interesting. So I guess brown is a combination of all kinds of colors. What does this tell us? You can always find your way back to brown. But once you mix colors to make brown, its impossible to get the colors unmixed to get the original colors back to the pure form. So you better be sure you want brown. That's true whenever you mix any two colors together. Brown makes me think of animals. I know thats not really related. Anyway, lets just go with it. Specifically, I think of bears and dogs. But it makes me think of animals in general and this makes me think of the beauty of God's creation. Maybe I mentioned God's creation in an earlier color, but creation is so beautiful, it's worth mentioning again. I have a soft spot in my heart for animals. I wanted to go to school originally to be a veternarian, but I couldn't get past the Chemistry classes. So I took Accounting instead, which was far easier for me, even though it took me 14 years to get my degree. Crazy, I know. But what I love about animals is they have an intelligence about them. They may not be human, but they certainly have personalities, and they have feelings just like we do. They may not be able to understand things like humans can, such as history or politics. But they know when someone is kind, and they know when someone is cruel. And they can love unconditionally, regardless of how you look, or what you wear or what you drive. What a blessing God has given us in animals!

Well, that is the end of Rainbow Heart Part 2. I hope you have enjoyed it. Maybe I will pick more fun colors for Rainbow Heart Part 3. In the mean time, I am already thinking about my next post. It should be coming out soon, in the next few days. Again, feel free to spread this blog abroad to your friends and family. I am not shy about these things and I don't mind my views being shown to everyone. I wish you all would introduce yourselves to me or make comments. I am sorry if I have offended anyone. I was just speaking my mind, and I have taken down some offensive posts. Oh, and I would like prayer for some personal stuff I am going through right now. Maybe I will tell you all what it is later. In the mean time, just pray. This has been just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander