The Edge

I am struggling now between being honest with all of you, versus continuing to hide behind a mask. Some of you may say I have been too open and honest. I would contend I have not been honest enough. But the truth is, it appears that I cannot truly be honest with people without pushing them away. Those I thought I could trust seem to be avoiding me now. I am too much to handle, and not enough, all at the same time. I often wonder if I will ever truly find a kindred spirit out there. I know I am not alone in this desire. I have heard this longing to bare ones soul, ones true soul, and to not be abandoned afterward, voiced many times. And yet when put into practice, it seems we as humans fall so short of being friends through "thick and thin". We are only friends when it suits us. I am reminded of a few lyrics from a song by a group called Mercy Me from the song "Beautiful". This is how it goes:

"The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much"


So I wonder if I have shown too much of my heart when friends start to abandon me. There is a temptation to shrink back in fear and to stop sharing. This temptation is great. Perhaps it is all about timing. One needs to know when it is appropriate to share certain things and when to keep your mouth shut. You may also need to know who is safe to share with and who is not. But in the end, I know we all long for at least one person who we can share all of ourselves with who won't turn away from us.

My words alone are not enough to express both what I feel and what I think. I wish I could open up my brain, and you could just look into my thoughts. Since this is impossible, I will just have to use my words to express something that is almost inexpressible. Not to harp on the issue, but if you know anything about a bipolar diagnosis, then you know that it is typical for someone with this diagnosis to have racing thoughts. That certainly is true of me. Sometimes it is difficult to latch onto any singular thought, I have so many going through my head at any given time. It does help to write things down, to keep myself focused and remember things.

Also, because of all the thoughts I have, I don't think my brain works like most everyone else's does. I either have a really active imagination, and an eye for the fantastical, or I truly am making real connections that other people simply aren't making yet. Some people have made some of the connections, and have even helped me in making my own connections. But if I were to tell you, really tell you what I really thought about things, I think your mind would be blown, and you would walk away thinking I was very strange. Maybe some day I will write a story and tell everyone my thoughts in fantasy form, cause that's what it looks like. I can't prove any of it, but I feel in my heart that I am on to something. Science would never accept my theories. I think all religions would shun me and tell me to get out. Schools would never teach anything I have to say. Politics.... well don't even go there. So what is the point of connecting the dots and showing them to other people if I'm the only one who sees them and everyone else thinks I'm crazy? It's a very lonely place to be, and is it worth it? The resounding answer: I don't know.

Here's what I know. There are two things I want in this life. OK, maybe three. I want love, understanding, and truth. That's it. That's what all this boils down to for me. That's what it always has boiled down to for me. Nothing else matters. Everything else is a means to these ends. Right now my quest for truth is trumping my need for love and understanding. But I don't really want to give on anything. My life is out of alignment, and I'm afraid sometimes it may push me over the edge. If I stop my quest for truth, and stop speaking what I find in the name of being understood and having someone love me, well that would be false love and understanding, and my life would still be out of alignment. I need to be myself and have someone fall in love with that person. So there is no real compromising for me.

I wonder, how brave are you? I will leave you with a challenge this time, and ask you, are you willing to take the mask down? Are you willing to share your real self with someone? It's a huge risk, but you may be pleasantly surprised. And it's the only way to know if you have found a real friend or not. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander

Loss

I have experienced loss so many times and in so many ways, I am losing track. It almost makes me want to stay numb emotionally, and feel nothing. Almost. But that numb feeling scares me even more than feeling the pain of tremendous loss. I have felt both, and I would always choose the pain. I guess because when I felt numb, I felt dead inside, and that freaked me out.

However, this does not mean I welcome loss, and the pain it brings into my life. If I had it my way, I would not have lost one single thing over the years. Not my favorite stuffed animal, Papa Bear, and certainly not any friendships. But then I wonder if I would ever learn to value the friends that do stick around?

Here's the harsh truth of the matter: we don't get to keep anything in this life except our very souls. In the end, it will all be gone, and the only thing that will matter is how you impacted those around you. I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone else. I don't intend this blog to be a pedestal for me to be high and mighty and tell all of you how to change, and not change myself.

If the truth be known, I am dealing with some heavy stuff. I can't divulge the details as I'm not the only one involved. My true feelings about the matter are still a mystery to me. But I know this. I am conflicted. On the one hand, I feel like I am carrying a heavy burden every day. There is no such thing as the "Good ol' days", but I wish things could go back to some kind of normal.

On the other hand, I feel angry, because I feel like I have to pretend to be strong, when the strength I have is tenuous at best. And if I hate anything, it is putting on a show, and being something I am not, even though I have been pretending my whole life, just to keep the peace. What I really feel is like crumbling, and asking why is no one there to catch me, and why doesn't anyone save me from all this loss? But I could not cry loud enough for anyone to care. Everyone is too busy trying to drown out the noise of their own losses.

So what's to be done? Well, I'm not going to preach a sermon to you. I will say this though. Since Jesus isn't introducing Himself personally to each of us in a physical way, maybe God's plan of redemption and redeeming that which is lost is by using you and me, reaching out to each other. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.

by: Crystal Nylander