I have been asked to write a post about what is next for me. Well aside from the typical answers of trying to find a job, and trying to find that golden relationship, two things I have no real control over, the only honest thing I can is that I don't know what is next for me. Do you really know what is next for you? That is not what was meant by the question, I know. I will attempt to answer it later. But one day you can have your whole life planned out for you, and then your country can go to war with another country, and all your plans mean nothing. I am being extreme for a reason. What I thought I knew about my life and my world even two weeks ago is not the same as this week. And who knows what life will be like for me tomorrow?
Sometimes life doesn't change at all from day to day. And some days it changes drastically, and you know it is one of those days where your life is over as you knew it, and you have to move forward with a new life, whether you want to or not. You never really know when a day like that is going to happen.
Perhaps you are wondering why I haven't written in so long. The answer is simple. My thoughts have been scattered and dark, and I have not felt them worthy to share with anyone. I have tried many times to write, but nothing satisfied me.
And so I come to you all now with the truth. I am angry with the hand I have been dealt in life. Is it ok to say that? No one but me can make peace with that. For all my talks about the benefits of pain, I wish it would leave me the hell alone. I have learned its many lessons. I don't need to learn anymore. But it seems to torture me endlessly.
This is not all I am angry about. I feel the dark chasm of loneliness stretching out before me. And I realize how deeply I have been misunderstood. Not by everyone. But by a few I care very much about. And that makes me alone. Perhaps that chasm will never be bridged. Perhaps it can't be. And again, I am angry for a girl who will never grow up, but is demanded to act like an adult. And I want to hug that girl and stand in the gap for her. Because I am that girl. And I am reminded that no one will save that girl from monsters, but me. There is no knight on a white horse, or anyone else coming to rescue her. I must stand in the gap.
I am angry for the losses I have and will suffer. About all I can say good for loss is that it makes a person more understanding and not so judgmental. But I do stand in judgement of evil and there are some things I cannot forget. There are some things that need to be taken seriously. It is not unforgiveness to demand the repentence of another person for a crime they have committed against you. That is called justice. If they will not repent, then let it be on their head. But the relationship will be severed.
I know it seems I have gotten off topic. After all, this post started with the question, what is next for me? Well, I thought I would address the past and present first before I move on to what is next. I have a very difficult road ahead from what I can see. It looks to be painful, and full of loss. It is not the path I would have chosen for myself, but neither is the one I have already traveled. So as far as real plans go, I don't have too many too far ahead. I'm taking it one day at a time.
All of this thinking about what's next begs the question: is there a reason for everything? Two of my friends think not, and they have swayed me to their thinking. So what did the Bible mean when it said that all things work together for good for those who love God? That's found in Romans 8:28. I started my whole blog off by what I thought this verse meant. Should I adjust my thinking? I still love God so all things should be working for my good, even the crappy stuff. We just might not see the good immediately.
So what do I mean there isn't a reason for everything? That flies in the face of this verse, doesn't it? No, I think not. There is no reason to abuse a little girl. God does not ordain that. But God may use her life to minister to others because of what she has been through. And even if this isn't the reason, she may find enlightenment through the pain, making it all worth it. One never knows. Just more thoughts from the mind of Crystal.
By: Crystal Nylander
